FF Day 3

I really don't know if I can really say I'm making a concentrated effort to eat as close to 0 grams of fat as possible. Almonds are a staple of my diet (the God's honest truth: the best food combo in the WORLD is unsalted dry roasted almonds and seedless red grapes -- sounds like whatever but has CHANGED MY LIFE!). Last night's dinner was healthy though. I got a beet and goat cheese salad with grilled chicken on top with the low fat vinaigrette on the side. I hate asking for dressing on the side but I also know that restaurants have a habit of pouring on the dressing. So I asked. I also only ate the goat cheese I wanted (they gave me a TON). So ended up leaving a lot behind. Which I absolutely would have not done if I wasn't thinking about fat grams.

I have found myself hungrier though! I'm flashing back to nutrition talks at the "Women's Health Facility" my mom sent me to my senior year of high school, where they made a BIG DEAL POINT that you absolutely, unequivocally NEED carbs, fats and proteins in your diet. And in combination with each other. The hunger mechanism turns off when those three categories are satisfied. If they're not, then you still feel hunger until you get that last group met.  So maybe I actually AM reducing the fat. I don't think this week-long experiment is detrimental, and I'm curious to know the results. Though I do feel like if I manage to lose more than a pound or so, it could just be because I'm paying SUCH CLOSE ATTENTION to the foods I'm eating. I would like to charge down to overweight (as opposed to obese, thank you very much, BMI) territory. Also 40 pounds under Christine jurisdiction is only 3.5 pounds away. That would be a nice milestone (also would put me in the overweight category).

Today I got woken up at an ungodly hour because the building next to me decided to test their alarms at 6:30 (yes, sorry teachers who read this, but 6:30 is ROUGH for me). I tried to fall back asleep but ultimately decided it was a losing battle and crawled out of bed at 7:30. So what did I do? Go run? Exercise? Hit up the gym? Yoga? Pilates? No. I sat on my couch and read food blogs. Not even kidding. I added probably 7 food blogs to my reader (I don't even know why, I'll probably unsubscribe to most of them soon).

I just didn't want to exercise! How do you guys find the motivation? My two weeks of activeness seems to have petered off (which is what I usually do). And it's SO beautiful outside. There was just no good excuse! However, I did pack my lunch (yes, I did start it yesterday). But I made a Tuna Salad Sandwich (with butter lettuce, cherry tomatoes, capers, and low fat mayo on low fat 40 calorie bread). And then I packed one of those Laughing Cow cheese wheel bits, and grapes with almonds (only 10 almonds with around 20 grapes). And it was so delicious. And now I'm sipping on a big mug of green tea and feeling very satisfied with it all. I meant to take a picture but I got so distracted/excited by eating it. I forgot!

The thing is about not exercising, is that I eat less. So (while I know this is not true at all) I feel like eating less negates the not exercising, and so it's all moot anyway! I've lost most (if not all) of this weight due to eating less... so why stop now? I haven't plateaued (yet). I don't feel wheezy and out of breath. So what's the deal?

I clearly need to start paying Jason to whip me into shape... Or borrow Jo's Jillian Michaels DVDs!

I also tried on my dress for my mother and her friend yesterday. My mother's friend LOVED it and said I needed some sexy high cut boots to go with it. My mother was not as thrilled but was surprised at how NOT terrible it looked. My friends are trying to find a night where we can go out/I can get skanked dressed up a little with my tiny little dress. I also need to buy one of those racerback bra adjustments. Or figure out if I can go commando. When I saw my mother she said, "What happened to your boobs? You're looking more like me!" Which is almost true! That has been the latest part of me to start shrinking. I'm not sure I'm at the point where I can go bra-less, but I could try! Beware world!

FF Day 2

So I think yesterday I finished up with my as-little-fat-as-possible well. I went to my parent's and my mom had cooked fish, rice and veggies. Granted I'm sure there was plenty of butter and oil involved, but it was SO delicious. Mom is a really awesome cook these days. I stocked up on Chiobani yogurts and some cottage cheese for good measure. I seriously think the pomegranate Chiobani is my favorite. It actually has little seeds in it!

This morning was a little tragic though. I ended up going to a bar downtown with a couple of friends last night and though I didn't drink (well fine ... maybe 1/4 shot of whisky), I stayed out WAY later than expected and I finally was in bed at 1:30am. I had strong intentions of running this morning, but I'm already feeling a little under the weather and tonight is going to be another late night so I opted for sleep over exercise. The easier choice, I know, but I also think it was probably the right one in this scenario. I'm still feeling a little sickly and my boss is out with the flu, so I'm a little nervous about my levels of sickiness. Either way, I woke up charged! I was going to make my own lunch and bring it to work as opposed to eating yet another item from juice generation I have no idea the caloric information of! I pulled out the tuna, made the salad (complete with capers and tomatoes, yum!) and two slices of low calorie bread. And as I was gearing up to go I remembered...

It is still Passover!!!!

No tuna salad sandwich for me! So I put it in the fridge for tomorrow (thank the lord the ending is just around the corner), and ran off to work. I went to Juice Generation and, of course, they are out of every salad they have. Just sandwiches. Just my luck right? Now this Juice Generation is all into cleanses and they have a raw food cleanse that you can buy a package to or you can buy individual items of. So while staring at this raw, vegan, gluten free food, I decided to go for it. I know that just because it is raw, vegan, and gluten free doesn't mean it's low calorie or low fat. But at least it's probably pretty healthy. So I bought this:

And it was very delicious. The filling was mainly nuts or something, and I the sauce tasted like yogurt (but that's not vegan... so clearly I'm wrong). And even if it wasn't low fat or low calorie, I don't think I was putting bad things into me. So that's really the key to it all, right? I really wish Juice Generation would hurry up and update their stupid website! I really do! It would make my lunch choices that much clearer. I sent them another email today asking when they thought they'd launch the website, and no answer yet. After lunch I really wanted something sweet and there was nothing around so I made myself a coffee with a hearty serving of Almond Milk (yes, not fat free, I know!). 

So perhaps this fat flush isn't going as well as I'd like to think it is. I'm thinking about it, but not altering my actions that much. Though, admittedly, sometimes just thinking about it helps and you subconsciously make better choices? Maybe? Maybe? Anyone? No? Okay then...   

In OTHER news, the SkinnyTees dress came today. I pulled it out of the bag and was shocked to learn that this item I was holding was considered a dress and not a tank top. And I will let you see for yourselves: 

Clearly the socks make the outfit. But not as horrible as I expected! I need to buy some black translucent CONTROL TOP stockings. And probably buy (or steal my roommates) racer back bra adjustments. And do something about how it rides up (not demonstrated in this picture). But overall, not a total bust, and not worth returning, I don't think. Right? Am I delusional? Also it might call for a cute belt. Or cardigan. Or long necklace. Or fishnets. Or something. but overall a solid basic SUPER TIGHT dress. I think it will probably look better in another 20lbs, but I also don't think I can't pull it off now!

Feeling Better/Fat Flush??

As expected, I'm feeling a lot better after seeing Chris. I even managed to lose some weigh this week despite what seemed like my best efforts to gain. When I first walked in she said she was trying a new experiment with patients who have been fairly successful, and who seem to listen to her pretty well. She said to try and eat NO fat this week. Like as close to 0 as humanly possible. Now, I don't think my diet has been particularly high fat. Though, admittedly, I hardly look at the fat grams when I'm picking a food. I'm usually more concerned with calories. If there's anything my MILLION stints at Weight Watchers taught me it's that a diet or "live-it" (as one of my leaders liked to call it), is simply the management of a calorie deficit.  Obviously, there's a lot more wound into that (for example, emotions, for one), but simplistically losing weight means managing calories. Period.

When I lost weight before, I didn't think for a minute about calories, or fat grams or anything of the sort. It was a highly restrictive diet but basically if I was eating foods I "could" eat, I could eat as much of them as I want and still lose weight. And, in reality, I think this was a fairly high fat diet. Just minimal carbs.

So, really, I've never thought about fat grams so this could be a fun experiment. I'd like to think more about my food choices. My weight loss has been slowing down. Nothing extreme, and I'm still losing, so that's something to be very grateful for, but I would be interested in seeing what a fat free (or close to it) diet could do for me. Not that it's probably sustainable, which is a concern.

The one tragic thing about this all is Chris asked me to replace my beloved Luna, Clif, Zone Bars with fat free yogurt. Now, of course, I am not against fat free yogurt, but these bars are such an ingrained part of my diet! I don't know what I'll do!!

I also need to rethink lunch (especially that stupid Juice Generation still has not launched their new and improved website... seriously bad things will happen if they don't have the calories up there after all this hype!). I think I'll go for soups this week at Juice Generation... and I guess avoid beans? They're high in fat as far as I can remember.

All in all, I really don't think I have a particularly high fat diet as is. If I did, I don't think I'd have lost as much weight as I did. Really the killer this week was all the alcohol consumption. And usually I'm better with that (I think it's easy when I don't have 4-day-weekends!).

Today started off strong with green tea and Chiobani - Strawberry (courtesy of Chris) and for lunch I had chicken with summer vegetable soup (with some rice). Let's see how it goes! I also made myself a shopping list of low fat or fat free items that are not gross and overly processed (I think the issue with fat free stuff is that most of it is pretty processed). But I do think this is worth trying for a week and see how I feel.

So anyone with me? Try cutting fat out as much as possible for a week? 

I need to get back to exercising. Tomorrow is supposed to be a beautiful day so maybe I will be more inspired to do my Cto5k. I also need to drag my butt to the gym and work on those strength training things that Jason recommended. I probably should just hire him to see me once a week and spend another small fortune on a health professional.

Chris also said, "I bet it feels good to have not that much more weight to lose." Which shocked me. I thought I had at least another 30/40 to lose but she said I'll start looking/feeling good in about 20lbs. Crazy to think I'm well on my way! 42 down...

Uninspired

For some reason, this week has been hard. I started off in a good mindset. Passover was upon us, and I feel like anything that mixes up my diet and makes me think about food again, is a good thing. I can take time to reflect on choices I'm making etc. This happened when I went to Hawaii too. Just reset my system a little, allowed me to examine my intake. However, I have a four day weekend (I had Thursday and Friday off) and something clicked in me. It was time to go OUT. I drank too much this week and today I feel groggy and gross. I was not into the workout I had on Wednesday and I haven't been to the gym or running since. Today is rainy and is totally matching up with how I'm feeling. Also means I can't go running outside which is my favorite place to go running.

In other news, my second date with the boy went well. I do think he finds me attractive which is nice but also something I'm not used to feeling secure about. Not that I do feel secure, mind you.

I'm excited to see Christine on Monday. I feel like I need her to yell at me a little. Snap me out of this malaise I'm feeling.

Hate Week 4!!

So after taking this week off of running because of my minor yoga ouchie last week, I decided to pull my butt out of bed to try Couch to 5k Week-4 again. The weather was cool and super foggy! I could hardly see the water twenty feet away from me. I felt strong when I started running and made it through the first 3 minute run pretty easily. However, when I started doing the first 5 minute run, I felt so tired. By the end of the run my knee was kind of bothering me, I felt winded, I was cramping and I was totally defeated. I actually started formulating this blog post running. After the 2.5 minute walk, I still felt this totally painful cramp in my side. I tried to run through it but probably after a minute of that 3 minute run, I quit. I couldn't catch my breath and my side was so ached up. However, when Suz got to the final run, I made up my mind:

I was going to do it.

At first I set a physical goal. I picked an entrance to the park that looked about 5 minutes away and said to myself, just make it there. Just get there. If that's under 5 minutes, then so be it, but get there. Lo and behold, a lot of panting and discomfort later, I reached the goal with Suz's Michael Jackson tune still blaring in the background. So I kept going. And totally finished the 5 minute run! So I did manage to get two 5 minute runs in there. I'd estimate I ran at least 14 out of the 16 minutes I was supposed to be. Next time, let's hope it's 16/16!

I also bought a dress for myself today that might end up being a total disaster. Way back when, I bought a Groupon for this site Skinny Tees. It's tagline is "the diet you wear" and that sounded pretty appealing to me. I've been surfing the site figuring out what on earth I would buy when I stumbled across this dress. I think there is almost NO chance this will look good on me. It's a "one size fits most" and while I don't think squeezing it on will be the problem, I think I will look like a roly poly, lumpy person. However, all I wanted in the world was that dress in that color (black would've been a safer choice for obvious reasons). So after checking out their return policy, I decided to go for it and buy the dress and hope that at least by the end of the summer it looks as good on me as it does on that model. We'll see.

I know one of the PriorFatGirls has a goal dress that she's been marking her progress on and that seemed like a fine idea to me. If it really is a miserable thing, I'll just return it and buy some tank tops (probably after hating life a little).

Date 2 with the guy tomorrow. I'm pretty excited for it. We're going to a place where I think by now I've had three dates (with other guys), YET he suggested it. Fate, or what?

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall!

I've lost 40lbs (technically 41, as of today) relatively quickly. More or less six months and close to 20% of my body is gone. And it's been bothering me that I kind of don't know what I look like. I know I'm thinner, I know I'm healthier, I know I'm stronger, but I really don't know how the world sees me. I'm still technically OBESE as far as BMI standards go (though very close to overweight! -- more on that later). I'm still a solid 30-40lbs overweight. I was talking about this to one of my friends and she suggested I check out the photographic height/weight chart. Now this is a really cool experiment to show what actual people look like, and that women don't only weigh 130 or below or 240 or above, but many of us sit in that middle area and still look good!

Though they still do not have anyone in two of the slots for my height (for the two highest weights I was, which is too bad).

I talked to Christine about it today and she's said "Well, when you look in your mirror don't you look smaller, more feminine, less boxy, more proportional?" And yes, that's all true, but what I more mean is when someone is walking down the street, and supposedly has never seen me before, what do they think? Overweight? Obese? Chubby? Kind of average? Curvy? And I just have no answers. I know I've come far. I know I look COMPARATIVELY thinner. But I also know I am a far cry from THIN.

This is mostly brought about by a date I had this weekend with this taller, rail thin boy. I usually date guys who have at least a little meat on them. Not overweight, per se, just a little cushiony. This boy had no ounce of pillow to him. And I just wondered, does he think I'm heavy? Heavier? Does it matter? I know he found me attractive, so maybe my weight doesn't even matter in this equation. I look attractive, I like to think I'm fairly good at carrying excess weight (for what that's worth).

Talking to my (naturally thin) coworker, she always says that she doesn't really notice weight. She didn't notice me dropping 35lbs while sitting next to me Monday-Friday. She says that for her, unless you're REALLY heavy or REALLY thin, she just doesn't think about it because it's not noticeable. So maybe there is something to the notion that only the extremes carry? Though I am fairly sure my coworker is an anomaly in all of this.

Sunday Thoughts

So yesterday I went to the trainer. He was super cute. He kind of looked like a muscular, slightly older Aaron Tveit. I think there's something to finding your trainer attractive. I'm less likely to bitch and moan if I want to seem like a strong, fierce, workout beast. Strength is something I've been focusing on for a few weeks now, and he kept trying to pump me up in this really unproductive way. He'd say things like "We all have to start somewhere!" And I think was basically implying that I was at the bottom of strength. Meanwhile, I was feeling strong and much stronger than I had been, so his cheers were borderline offensive. But beyond that, I really did enjoy him. He wrote down all the workouts we did so I could do them on my own. I'm thinking about buying a training package but they're kind of expensive... I might follow his advice and see how I do with the workouts on my own. And if that doesn't go well, I'll buy the package.

I think for me there's something really good about having one-on-one time with someone who knows where your at and knows how to hold you accountable. That's why I think Christine has been so valuable to me. It's just her and me, and she knows if I gain or if I lose, and we have a solid 30-45 minutes to talk about it every week.

I do feel a little envious of Emily and the awesome community she's found in Weight Watchers. I always felt lost in Weight Watchers meetings. I think NYC is so big and there are so many weight obsessed people here, that there is hardly any stability in meetings. The opportunity to really get to know people (besides your meeting leader) is a little impossible. I don't have a lot of overweight friends, and so sometimes feel a little alone in all this. That's why reading PriorFatGirl is so helpful. Currently they have three women blogging: one who is at maintenance, one who is in the middle of her journey, and one who is just starting. I relate much more to the girl who is just starting her journey even though I'm close to the middle of mine. She's also doing Cto5k (though she's farther along than I am!), and I think it's fun to share that with this totally random woman I have never and probably will never meet.

All in all, I'm feeling a little down about all this lately, but for reasons I can't quite put my finger on. I feel like I've come so far, but I have so far to go and that's both disappointing and overwhelming. I'm on my way, though! I've lost more weight than I ever have on a diet before (on my previous diet I lost about 37lbs... though I'm still not at the lowest weight I was then... but close!). And just have to remember to keep chugging through even though the road seems so endless.

 In other news, my knee is feeling better, though I think I'll keep off of it this week and pick up with some more Cto5k next week.

Fin de Semana

Well, after all that buildup, Juice Generation did not launch their new website.

Friday I decided to double duty my workouts and did a Cto5k run (which I talked to you all about), and then after work I went to yoga. The class was small and I felt like I was challenging myself in everything  I was doing, and actually being somewhat successful. It's kind of an awesome to feel yourself getting so much stronger. However, I was walking out of the class and my right knee was REALLY hurting me! And it hurt through yesterday too. So I took yesterday off of exercising. However TODAY I have a free training session at the gym (I tried to cancel it but they said it required 48 hours notice). The knee is feeling fine, but I don't want to push it at all. I suppose I can just tell the trainer that and he'll work around it.

I also want advice on how people manage to go out drinking and lose weight. Any words of wisdom here? Or is the answer just to cut it out for now. I'm not an excessive drinker, but I seem to not be able to lose any weight when I drink! Anyone else feel that?

What's special about tomorrow?

One of the more exciting things that happened this month was a JUICE GENERATION opened across the street from my office. While I'm not a huge smoothie fan, they also sport some delicious, wholesome sandwiches and salads. The only issue is: they detail the nutritional information in their smoothies but give NO HINT as to what the calories are in the food items.

I emailed the company about this a while ago, thinking I'd get no response and FIVE minutes later, a lovely woman emailed me back saying it would all be available on their website when they relaunched on April 15.

So countdown to me knowing how many calories I've been eating at lunch this month! Who's excited!?

Week 4 Day 2

Today was kind of a disappointing run. I woke up with the best of intentions and put in my Apple headphones (I was too busy/lazy to go and buy some). I walked out to Riverside Park and it was a gorgeous morning. Just perfect for jogging. I could actually hear Suz's commands, and was really going. However the "just three minute long run" left me panting and after that there's only a 90 second recover before a 5 MINUTE RUN. While that might not seem like a lot, it really really is hard for me! I made it through the second run. I made it through the next 3 minute run, but the final run (another 5-minute one) was killer. And probably about 2 minutes into it I had to walk. My legs were tired, I was sweaty and totally breathless. I picked up and ran for probably the last 2 minutes, but also felt totally dead after that.

This is the first Cto5K workout I just couldn't push through, and that was a little depressing. I went home, showered, and bought myself a Clif bar (Macadamia White Chocolate - yum).

I think the reason I pushed through last time is because instead of a 90 second recovery after the first run, I had all that trouble with my headphones and so took a much longer pause before the first five minute run.

Will try again soon! Might stay on Week 4 for a while though.

Funniest Email

Today I got an email from my uncle. He's not really big into email and would MUCH rather call me so every time I get an email from him, it's a little treat.

Subject: A question from your Uncle
Message: How much weight have you lost

I find this pretty funny. It's rather random and I haven't seen my uncle in a while, and the last time I did see him, there was no mention of my weight. My family is VERY verbal about weight. A solid chunk of my family is trying to lose weight at any given point. Not that they're all OVERweight, per se, just weight obsessed. So when I don't get comments from them about my weight, I figure the shift hasn't been all that noticeable.

I've been going through pictures from last spring. I think I untagged a lot of the ones where I look big, and so I don't really have a great grasp of what I looked like "before." But I do know that 40lbs is a lot of weight, especially for someone who is not a very tall person.

What likely happened is that my uncle saw the GP who recommended Christine, used me as a success story and plugged her to my uncle (who is an overweight family member).

I took today off of exercising. After yoga on Monday and Cto5k yesterday, my legs are achy and I am just generally fatigued, so I enjoyed sleeping in today! Back to run tomorrow though. No slacking! Must buy headphones tonight.

Week 4 - New headphones

So, despite being totally freaked about at the thought of running for 5 minutes not once but TWICE. I put Suz on and started my five minute warm up walk. My left earphone started crapping out, so I took it out and was just listening through my right. Suz told me to start running for three minutes (Week 4 is run for 3 minutes walk for 90 seconds, run for 5 minutes, walk for 2.5 minutes; twice). But somehow something weird either happened on her end or my end and SHE NEVER TOLD ME TO STOP. I was huffing and puffing down Riverside Park thinking, "This feels long!" Finally, I just didn't know if I could keep going and I looked at my iPod and it was at the 11 minute mark! I had been running for 6 minutes! I knew this was not right, so I pulled out my left earphone and with some finagling (probably took me about 5 minutes to figure it all out) got to the point where Suz told me to run. I had to hold the iPod in a very specific way just so I could hear the commands. I did finish the rest of the workout and so managed three 5+ minute runs (plus only one 3 minute one!). I feel like Week 4 Day 2 will HAVE to be easier than that...

Lesson of the day: time for new headphones!

Long Time No Blog

So I read an article about how blogging actually helps people lose weight, because not only do they have a support system of people who are going/have been through the same problems, but also you're held accountable. I really only obsessively read two weight-related blogs. One is PriorFatGirl and the other is my friend Emily's blog. But even just following in the trials and tribulations of these wonderful ladies inspires me every day. I want to know what they're doing, what they're eating, how they keep doing this weight loss thing every day.

I have two main tools that are helping me right now: a nutritionist, and a Suz.

I remember getting a random phone call from my general practitioner saying he had a particularly difficult patient who went to Christine and did very well, so if I wanted her number, he'd get it to me. I've always been ambivalent about nutritionists, basically because I feel like I know all there is to know about nutrition. Poorly educated, I am not. I knew what choices were the good choices, I just wasn't making them. I didn't need a nutritionist to tell me that. But on a whim, I decided to call this woman and set up an appointment. I decided I'd go to her weekly. I went two days after my 23rd birthday and may or may not have still been nursing a hangover from the debauchery that night. She kind of barked at me, and told me about fat free cream cheese and staying hydrated and all this stuff I knew (or didn't agree with). I didn't really make a big effort in trying to lose weight. Her words and guidelines were in my head, but I didn't actually listen to them. I was getting headstrong and her threats of my imminent demise if I didn't lose weight were bothering me and I almost quit several times in the first few weeks. Honestly, I didn't go to her in the first spot thinking I'd succeed. It was just another thing to assuage all the nagging people in my life that I had, in fact, tried EVERYTHING.

A month or so later (sometime after Thanksgiving for sure), something clicked, her words fell into place, her threats on my health became more real, and I started doing it. I know in my first post I laid out everything pretty strictly, but I really only use that as a guideline. I have a pretty good sense now of how to eat and all of that and as of yesterday, I've lost 34lbs with Christine (and am down a total of 40lbs since my highest weight in August 2010).

Now, the second part of my weight loss journey I've JUST barely introduced. It's so new I almost don't want to jinx it but that's Suz. Suz is actually a person, but in my life right now she's more of a symbol of exercise in general. My mother told me about a program (months and months ago) called Cto5K (shorthand for couch to 5k -- it's a running potato that takes you from sedentary to a 5k runner through different levels of intervals three days a week). I dismissed my mother and basically accused her of meddling (as usual) in my health. But the idea of being a couch potato to being able to run 3 miles was vaguely appealing to me. I'd been going on and off to yoga classes, but beyond that and the occasional long walk, my exercising has been pretty nil. Here's where Suz comes in. Suz has her own blog with her own musings, but ALSO with a podcast series to train with Cto5K with hip hop music! How perfect! So I downloaded, and honestly probably listened to that podcast sitting on my bed more times than I care to admit. Finally dragged my butt to the gym and panted through week one. Today, I actually completed week 4 day 1 -- which was a SERIOUS struggle. But I did it!

And I think that about sums up the two components of my weight loss journey so far. I'm getting a little nervous now because this is the SECOND time that I've lost weight, and I am very close to the lowest weight I was before I gained it all back (and then 12 more!). So I'm hoping to push through this, and I think with the help of Christine, Suz and now YOU, I will be able to do it!