Friday, July 29, 2011


I see myself falling into old bad eating habits. This is being reflected on the scale. Obviously.

A pattern I'm seeing: when I have unlimited food around me is when I struggle the most. I have always had issues with listening to hunger/fullness cues. Wednesday night we went out for my aunt's birthday to this Asian/Japanese restaurant and my uncle just ordered a TON of food that we were all meant to share. Except I just wanted to eat it all. And so I did. Towards the end I managed to get myself to back off a bit, but it was a fight.

And EVERYONE was going on and on about how thin I looked and how great I looked. And I wanted to say STOP IT. I'm having a hard time... don't enforce the positive because I think that kind of thinking is what got me lazy in the first place.

I know I mention from time to time about how I follow Elle, one of the bloggers over there, is stuck at around the same weight I am. I wonder if this is a universally tough weight to get below, and once you break the plateau, you're home free? Probably not. It's probably a fight like this all the way down.

Except, it's not a mystery as to why I'm not losing weight! I don't know if it's fair to sit here and scream PLATEAU PLATEAU, because I'M OVEREATING! That's the simple fact of it. I'm eating more than I should be.

I'm moving to a 4th floor walk up this weekend. If that's not exercise, I don't know what is. I went to the gym (very very briefly) yesterday. Hopefully I can force myself into good habits until it starts feeling easy again.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Cliches Can Help?

There are so many cliches about losing weight.
  • Pain is weakness leaving the body
  • No pain, no gain
  • Success is a journey not a destination
  • Failing to plan is planning to fail
  • If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again
  • Weight loss is a marathon, not a sprint

Now, my former self would roll my eyes at all of these (and there are a MILLION more). I would mindlessly search through weight loss websites knowing I was (at least) a solid 80lbs overweight, but not ready or at least willing to do anything about it. I would hate on the people who didn't know (as far as I was concerned) ANYTHING about what I was going through. I did not have a wish to be fat. I just WAS fat. And that's who I was. A fat girl. I'm (by BMI guidelines anyway) 15lbs into the "overweight" zone right now, and sitting at my computer a year ago, staring at how far deep into the red zone I was, was majorly discouraging (at best).

People on The Biggest Loser (I know the show is problematic but go with me) always start out saying "I don't know how I let it get this far". But maybe it makes total sense. When you're sitting there, with over 100lbs to lose, it feels so impossible. So improbable. Let alone people who have 200 or 300lbs to lose. Can you imagine? And even when you lose 150lbs, you are still far from your goal. And that's after losing one-person.

Now here I am. 60lbs into my journey. People ask me if I feel like I've totally changed my eating habits. And, honestly, I don't think it would be too hard for me to slip into old habits. Last weekend I went to one of my best friend's pool parties (this is an event I'd look forward to every year... both for the company and for the food). My friend comes from a big Italian family who (like my big Jewish family) believes in stuffing your face with food at all times. There were probably eight guests there and I could not stop eating. I could absolutely not stop. I started at noon and probably didn't finish until 9pm ... with cake. And I was sitting there, clearly bingeing, and I knew it. But I couldn't stop it. I had voices in my head saying, "Anna, cool it. There is plenty of food. You know what this tastes like. Anna, you're full. Anna, you're STUFFED. ANNA WHY ARE YOU STILL EATING?" But I simply did not listen. I came home feeling sick, totally engorged, and terrible. Christine asked me if maybe these are people I just can't see in that situation any more?

When I started losing weight, I cut out socializing. It was incredibly hard for me because I am a very social person, I like going out, I like eating out, I like being surrounded by people. But I had set myself up as the "fun eating friend." Anytime anyone wanted a fatty meal, or to go out drinking, or whatever, I'd be included in the fun. And I used to pity myself and whine about how all my THIN friends could eat WHATEVER and I'm stuck here being 80lbs overweight. But no, that's not how it is at all. They go out once a week, once every two weeks. But since I was in that role for all my friends I'd constantly be the one going out.

Thin people overeat sometimes. It happens. They don't overeat all the freaking time.

So do I need to cut out the pool party friends? Or at least in that situation? No. I need to plan. I need to eat a good meal before I go over there and be diligent about what I'm putting in my body. I need to know that this is a hard situation for me and go in with full armor. I think I'm getting lazy in my weight loss when really now is the time to be the most diligent about it all. I look good. I look vaguely average. (I actually think I'm the total average weight/size for women in America.) So I'm like, look how far I've come! I can have cake!

No! I mean... yes, sometimes, sure, have some cake. But me being thinner is not an excuse to start gorging myself. How does this make sense in my head? I don't even know!

Which brings me to my cliches I started with. Especially the last one: weight loss is a marathon, not a sprint. I got on my parent's scale this week (which usually corresponds pretty well to Christine's). And I had gained solidly 3lbs from the last time I'd seen Christine. How does that happen? It'd been probably 4 days since I last saw her. And I had a meltdown. I really didn't think I'd been eating badly, but I'm not bloated or anything like that.

So time to re-evaluate. I need to get that fire under me to be anal about my weight loss again. Everyone told me that it gets harder when you get thinner. Obviously this makes sense in my head, but it's hard to actually be there. My weight loss until a month or so had been pretty steady. I could count on losing at least 1lb a week. Now, it feels like a total struggle. Part of it, I'm sure, is me being less focused and part of it is the difficult of losing weight this close to the goal.

I don't know the last time I weighed this amount. Probably somewhere around the beginning of high school, so at this point, this weight has been on me for a decade. I've also heard it's harder to lose weight that's been on you for a long time. Your body gets used to just having it there.

Anyway, this was very rambling and unfocused. So thank you for baring with me (if you have!). But any advice/motivation that you have for me would be really appreciated at this point. Help on how to stay focused, help for how to not freak out over three pounds, help on how to move forward, really any help.

On a cheerier note, I'm moving! Which will be wonderful AND it's a 4th floor walk-up... so I'm going to have pretty foxy legs pretty damn soon.

Monday, July 11, 2011

Down 3 more!

Well, even though I still don't think I have my footing quite right with my eating, I lost another 3lbs in the past two weeks. I'm almost down a total of 60 (total weightloss with Christine is 52, weightloss since the start is 58)! I don't even know what that means. I'm sure you're all tired of me complaining of not knowing how I look, but I really don't! It's still such a thrill when people sit on either side of me on the subway. It's sad sitting next to a woman and then feeling her squeeze away because she's afraid of blubbering over onto my seat. I want to tell them I'm the best person to blubber into... but I somehow don't think they'd appreciate that.

I must admit though. I didn't eat yesterday. I drank my life away Saturday night (and went through an insane number of shenanigans). And I woke up yesterday after 5 hours of sleep (I cannot for the life of me sleep in if I go to bed drunk... is anyone else like that?), DEAD TO THE WORLD. I could not move. The thought of food made me nauseous. Eventually I snacked on a chicken sausage and some pasta with Smart Balance, but it was a rough day. And THEN I was afraid I would have gained all the weight due to excessive eating so I wore my lightest dress possible. And, of course, ended up losing a bunch. It felt good to see weight loss though. I've been a little stagnant in the past month (a lot of big life changes getting me down).

I ran into my 1st boss I had in NY on the street the other day and she hardly recognized me. Though I do attribute my last gained 15lbs to being unhappy in her office, it was really validating for her to see how great I looked. A few weeks ago I was with a fellow alum of my college and we ran into a kid we were both the TA of. He completely recognized her but could NOT place me. She and I had the same relationship to that kid (I'm even Facebook friends with him!) and he had no idea who I was. I think it's that I've lost so much weight that I'm becoming difficult to place.

My thinner friends have started lending me clothes, or giving me hand-me-downs that maybe are a little big (or maybe not). And THAT'S unreal. Girls who I never ever thought I'd be sharing clothes with are now seeing me as their size. Let alone me actually BEING close to their size. I feel like I have another 10lbs to lose before I feel like I really look like them. But 10lbs! What's 10lbs? And being practically 20lbs away from my goal. I'm sure it will be a long, slow 20lbs (I mean ... these past 5 have been a long slow battle). But I'm still going in the right direction, and I feel confident I will continue to do so. It will be better when I get a job and can establish my eating patterns again.

My uncle started seeing Christine and in the past month has lost 15lbs according to him. She keeps joking that she's going to be left in my parent's will. I'm not sure she's wrong.