Boring Eating

So I met with Christine this morning and she diagnosed me as being a "casual dieter" and compared it to "casual dating" in that I do it when I do it, but then other times I don't. I flirt with dieting... but not all the time. For example, ordering pasta with seafood instead of with meat sauce and justifying it because clams have like ... NO CALORIES!

Alas. I know it doesn't work like that.

She suggested that for the next 10lbs I be a boring eater. To not get creative with my choices but instead have an easy routine of foods that I know are fine. This is beneficial in two ways... it's like ... only healthy food ever and also takes out the uncertainty of eating. I KNOW what I'm allowed to eat and so no guessing and no approximating.

Here is the general outline:

Breakfast
English Muffin Light OR Bagel Thin
WITH
2/3 cup of cottage cheese OR two slices of Jarlsberg lite OR 1 whole egg

Mid Morning
Cabot Cheese Light Square AND 100 Calorie Snack Pack
OR
Chobani 0% Yogurt
OR
2 Fruit

Lunch
BIG Salad with Chicken or Turkey and pretty much whatever veggie toppings I want. Stay away from nuts, avocado and cheese if possible.

Afternoon
Zone Bar
OR
Luna Bar
OR
Chobani Yogurt
OR
2 fruit

Dinner
Chicken OR Fish OR Salmon OR Shrimp
WITH
Vegetables

Dessert
Skinny Cow or WW something

That's it. Boring, right? I'm going to Hawaii in June and I'm thinking I should resolve to stick to this for the next few weeks. I gotta look good in a bathing suit right?

I'm also thinking I might try some at home yoga videos Tuesday and Thursday mornings. 

Getting Settled

I got a new job! I am now the Executive Assistant at a large Off-Broadway theater company. It's a big adjustment. There is food... but less of it. It's not like my last job where every time I was hankering for a sweet... I could get one! I have my desk stocked with oatmeal and Zone bars. I've bought apples and cottage cheese and I feel like I'm setting myself up well.

I've also moved back into my apartment! I have a functioning kitchen. Things are finally beginning to settle down in the land of Anna.

On a less happy note, my favorite pants don't fit. I bought some bright green pants in Italy last year and I can squeeze them on but it's just not comfortable. No questions as to where that extra 10lbs has gone. I weighed in at Christine's yesterday the lowest I've been in a while and then proceeded to eat too much yesterday. Including a piece of chocolate cake and really no sense of the damage I did at a buffet. This morning I feel disappointed but I know it's time to just pick up my feet, order a salad for lunch and have that be okay.

I really need to try and start journaling again. The issue with journaling is two-fold. I start getting obsessive about it in a way that I'm fixated on food and when I'm really fixated on food, I tend not to succeed. The other part of it is, like everyone I'm sure, I hate journaling when I don't eat well. So I don't and then it just becomes this game of me patting myself on the back when I eat well but not really addressing the bad eating habits.

So I bought some new green-ish pants. Reluctantly. Got reacquainted with myfitnesspal.com and am going to try and lose 8-10lbs between now and June 29 (when I go to Hawaii with my parents and boyfriend). I feel like getting back to my formerly steady weight will make me feel good and charged for the summer.

Woo!

How to deal with this?

So I'm feeling better.

Not that I've magically dropped 10lbs, but for the first time in a while, I'm starting to feel like I can get my head back in it. However I know I'm looking at a lot of calories tomorrow. And part of me just wants to partake.

Tomorrow is my last day as a receptionist. Probably (hopefully) forever. I've been at my job since August 2011 and I'm really scared and excited for my next step. Some of my coworkers are taking me out for drinks tomorrow night at a little pub across the street... and I want to partake! I know my office will throw me a "surprise" goodbye party... and I want to partake!

Part of this harkens back to my "spoiled" eating pattern. I WANT IT SO I WILL HAVE IT. Though it sort of boils down to the fact that I CAN'T have everything I want, right? If I could, I certainly wouldn't be in this predicament. So how do I deal with myself?

I think I can count on cupcakes being my goodbye treat. I could have one.

And then just drink light beer with my coworkers?

It feels so weak! So lame! I want to celebrate. I like FUN eating. I like CELEBRATORY eating. Light beer? No! Margarita time! Mojito time!

Alas.

Time to email Christine, I fear.

Part of me also feels like I DESERVE it because I went to a yoga class this week (my first bout of exercise in a looooooooooooooooong time). And I feel every ounce of every muscle of my body. I can hardly walk. It's borderline pathetic. To be fair, it was a HARD class and a really challenging instructor. If it was slow-flow or a beginning Hatha class I probably would've fared okay. This means I can scarf down cupcakes and drink copious amounts of alcohol... right?

Any tips on how to deal with "spoiled" impulses? Is there a compromise that can keep me happy?

EDIT: Christine's Advice
Just eat salad for lunch one cupcake, and salad for dinner with some chicken or tuna of fish or egg white omelette, to bring calories from the rest of the day way down!

Muffin on my desk

Someone made a very nice gesture and put a muffin on my desk this morning as a "I'll miss you when you leave Lincoln Center! Have breakfast on me!" kind of deal.

I am trying hard not to eat it.

I thought I'd share.

10lbs up

Once again, I find myself struggling.

I went to Christine yesterday and she looked through her notes and in a year I gained 10lbs. Though, honestly, most of that weight was gained between December and now. Holiday weight I guess.

I just feel generally unfocused and prior to Christine I probably on average gained about 10lbs a year.

I eat when I'm bored.
I eat when I'm stressed.
I eat when I'm tired.
I eat to celebrate.

I feel like there's rarely a time when I have ideal conditions for losing weight. Not bored but not stressed. Happy but not tired. Happy but not TOO happy.

Right now, my apartment is being renovated so I'm kind of homeless. I'm in the midst of a job search. I guess things are unstable. But overall, I feel like I just don't want to diet.

Part of me thinks I should just try. And if I just try a little, things will work out eventually. I think I need to make a commitment to food journaling and sending it to Christine.

The issue there is when I mess up, I don't want to send it to her. But those are probably the days she most needs to see.

When I was 10lbs lighter I still wanted to lose weight and found it incredibly difficult at that point and maybe this is just discouragement. Why bother? I can't lose it anyway.

WW was a huge success and then a huge bust.

What to do, friends?

Off the Wagon

As of this morning I am up 6lbs from my lowest maintained weight. Considering how difficult it was to lose them it's a little appalling how easy it is to come back.

You know it's bad news when weight loss bloggers disappear. 

I have a lot that I want to blame. 

Stress

Sandy

Medications

Life

Birthday

Boredom

Job

Family

Etc

Etc

Etc

Not fair. The fact is. Once I got off... I wanted to stay off. I missed the foods I'd prided myself on staying away from. Fried foods (REALLY!?) back in the picture. Chocolate (excessively) back in the picture. 

I've prided on myself on turning a healthy leaf and it is all too clear to me how easy it is to flip back.

I think Weight Watchers is not for me. I really can't put my finger on it, but I really really really think it allows too much freedom for me. The bottom line is I need to NOT eat certain foods except in EXTREME moderation. Once I'm "allowed" everything, I flip.

I'm not better yet. I'm not back on the wagon yet.

I did show up to work armed.

Armed with strawberries, a bar, a grapefruit, steamed veggies, and a frozen meal. Disappointed. Yes. Distressed. Yes. Scared that the light that turned off will STAY off. Yes.

What I'm trying to remind myself is when I started this whole shebang ... the light was off. There is a way to force the light on and I've done it before. HOW? I am not sure, but the fact is, I have done it.

Christine says it's hard to force people to get motivated. 

What is my motivation? 

Health is kind of intangible ... and honestly my health hasn't significantly improved with the tens of pounds lost. 

I feel like at this point my weight and happiness are not super tied together. Why I am happy or unhappy is separate from my weight. I think.

Friends? I have friends! They don't judge?

Clothes? Material girl I'm not though I would find it distressing to stop fitting into my clothing.

Does anyone have advice? How do you force yourself away from the fat and onto the wagon?

Inner Fat Girl

I read this little open letter the other day and it got me thinking: http://flintland.blogspot.com/2012/05/hey-fat-girl.html

I think if you didn't know my story and we met on the street, I'd look about average weight. Maybe on the curvier end of average, but I don't think my weight would stand out particularly. My frizzy hair, my big lips, my chipping nail polish are likely more distracting than my size 8 pants and medium shirt. However, whenever I see an overweight woman, I feel as though she is my kindred spirit. Especially if she's exercising or eating a salad -- dressing on the side. But even not.

When I see overweight people trying to change their habits to become healthier, I have a great sense of oneness with them. Me too! Me too! I think. Let's do this together. How about you read my blog? Do you have one? I hate jogging... maybe we can run the reservoir together. We don't need to talk (I can't run and talk at the same time) but we can just BE together. We can do this TOGETHER. 

And then I think if some size 8 chica with a medium shirt was sitting across from me 70lbs ago, I probably would think something like: "Her. I'm not asking to be THIN or SKINNY. I just want to look normal. Like her. Why is it so easy for some people? Why not me?"

That size 8 girl would not be on my team. She would not be in my CLUB. She has it EASY.

But then there's the question of my inner fat girl. Do I lose her? Probably never completely. Probably lessens with time. Do I have it easy? Did I make it easy? It still feels hard sometimes. Is my inner fat girl allowed to be friends with their inner fat girl? Or is my membership revoked? How does this work? Or is the point to GET RID of my inner fat girl. Make her no part of me anymore.

I'm different (am I?)! I've changed (have I?)!

Planning

In the past (even like ... 2 months ago), if I got into a situation where I was eating poorly, I would simply take a step back the next day and try and compensate to the best of my ability. If pizza was for dinner then ... fine. I'd do pizza and a light beer and call it done. Next day: eggs, salad, whatever. And then I figured most of the damage was reversed.

I should be clear: I actually think that way of eating/compensating is healthy. I was not WAY overdoing anything and moderation is the key to weight loss success. Skinny people overeat (I know I say this constantly... but it's true). Skinny people don't get caught up in negative spirals of self-hate and punishment and lash out by negating efforts and stuffing themselves from that point out. Anyway, that's beside the point. 

Weight Watchers is teaching me to be even more moderate than I was being before. If I know I'm going to be in a situation where food is going to be a hard choice. I can plan for it. Salads and fruit that day. My boyfriend really wanted a bbq pulled chicken sandwich. In the past I would've said, "Special treat. Special night. Back on track tomorrow." Weight Watchers allows me to sit back and say, alright. Pulled chicken - 5 points, bun - 4 points, BBQ sauce - 3 points, beer in sauce - 2 points. 14 point sandwich. How do I treat the rest of my day accordingly? So that even when I want to splurge, I don't have to go off my diet to do it. I can eat a 26 point day while having a 14 point sandwich.

I'm a solid planner. I feel like I've been a fairly good planner throughout this process. So Weight Watchers allows me to plan for splurges even better than I did before. Also, I know this speaks for itself, but being OPEN about dieting and Weight Watchers has been really useful for me. I am trying to lose weight. I am counting points and so yes, we can get brunch but then we have to get salad or eggs for dinner. That's that. I've found that people respect that but have a harder time accepting your eating choices when they don't know WHY. Like oh no, we can't go to the pizza place or the Thai place or the Chinese place etc etc etc. Last night, I was at dinner with a friend and said I only have 6 points left so we have to get creative about dinner. She understood. I got poached eggs. Everyone was happy. 

Calorie is not a Calorie?

I thought this was an interesting article on calories. http://blogs.scientificamerican.com/guest-blog/2012/08/27/the-hidden-truths-about-calories/

I don't totally understand what it all means. It also seems like we usually OVERESTIMATE calories which is not really a big problem in the great scheme of things. Considering so many Americans are overweight anyway if they WERE trying to calculate calories isn't it better to overestimate. 

I don't know.

Thoughts?

Scared of Skinny

So I'm doing Weight Watchers, yes? Presumably to lose weight, yes?

I have been a little lax-er this week with my diet. Actually consuming some of my Flex points of whatever they call them these days. WW gives you an extra 49 points a week to use (or not) at will.

Step on the scale this morning and see the lowest weight I've seen in recent memory. And instead of feeling happy about it, I sort of panicked. I don't really know why. Maybe I'm used to being this weight by now? Maybe I didn't think it would actually happen and now that it's happening I am not sure how to process it?

But... just keep chugging right? I guess I'm still trying to understand and I think I'm still a little un-clearly panicky.

Weird, right?