Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Inner Fat Girl

I read this little open letter the other day and it got me thinking: http://flintland.blogspot.com/2012/05/hey-fat-girl.html

I think if you didn't know my story and we met on the street, I'd look about average weight. Maybe on the curvier end of average, but I don't think my weight would stand out particularly. My frizzy hair, my big lips, my chipping nail polish are likely more distracting than my size 8 pants and medium shirt. However, whenever I see an overweight woman, I feel as though she is my kindred spirit. Especially if she's exercising or eating a salad -- dressing on the side. But even not.

When I see overweight people trying to change their habits to become healthier, I have a great sense of oneness with them. Me too! Me too! I think. Let's do this together. How about you read my blog? Do you have one? I hate jogging... maybe we can run the reservoir together. We don't need to talk (I can't run and talk at the same time) but we can just BE together. We can do this TOGETHER. 

And then I think if some size 8 chica with a medium shirt was sitting across from me 70lbs ago, I probably would think something like: "Her. I'm not asking to be THIN or SKINNY. I just want to look normal. Like her. Why is it so easy for some people? Why not me?"

That size 8 girl would not be on my team. She would not be in my CLUB. She has it EASY.

But then there's the question of my inner fat girl. Do I lose her? Probably never completely. Probably lessens with time. Do I have it easy? Did I make it easy? It still feels hard sometimes. Is my inner fat girl allowed to be friends with their inner fat girl? Or is my membership revoked? How does this work? Or is the point to GET RID of my inner fat girl. Make her no part of me anymore.

I'm different (am I?)! I've changed (have I?)!


In the past (even like ... 2 months ago), if I got into a situation where I was eating poorly, I would simply take a step back the next day and try and compensate to the best of my ability. If pizza was for dinner then ... fine. I'd do pizza and a light beer and call it done. Next day: eggs, salad, whatever. And then I figured most of the damage was reversed.

I should be clear: I actually think that way of eating/compensating is healthy. I was not WAY overdoing anything and moderation is the key to weight loss success. Skinny people overeat (I know I say this constantly... but it's true). Skinny people don't get caught up in negative spirals of self-hate and punishment and lash out by negating efforts and stuffing themselves from that point out. Anyway, that's beside the point. 

Weight Watchers is teaching me to be even more moderate than I was being before. If I know I'm going to be in a situation where food is going to be a hard choice. I can plan for it. Salads and fruit that day. My boyfriend really wanted a bbq pulled chicken sandwich. In the past I would've said, "Special treat. Special night. Back on track tomorrow." Weight Watchers allows me to sit back and say, alright. Pulled chicken - 5 points, bun - 4 points, BBQ sauce - 3 points, beer in sauce - 2 points. 14 point sandwich. How do I treat the rest of my day accordingly? So that even when I want to splurge, I don't have to go off my diet to do it. I can eat a 26 point day while having a 14 point sandwich.

I'm a solid planner. I feel like I've been a fairly good planner throughout this process. So Weight Watchers allows me to plan for splurges even better than I did before. Also, I know this speaks for itself, but being OPEN about dieting and Weight Watchers has been really useful for me. I am trying to lose weight. I am counting points and so yes, we can get brunch but then we have to get salad or eggs for dinner. That's that. I've found that people respect that but have a harder time accepting your eating choices when they don't know WHY. Like oh no, we can't go to the pizza place or the Thai place or the Chinese place etc etc etc. Last night, I was at dinner with a friend and said I only have 6 points left so we have to get creative about dinner. She understood. I got poached eggs. Everyone was happy.