Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Feeling Better

Sorry I didn't check in on Monday. I lost 2lbs this week making my March Madness weight loss a sum total of 0. There's only a week left on the challenge but I've learned a lot about myself.

I eat 3 servings of vegetables pretty naturally.
I drink 64oz of water pretty naturally.
I love fruit.
I like checking in with people (not a new realization but still... worth mentioning).
Exercising makes me hungry. It feels good in the moment but I'm not sure I can manage hearty exercise with weightloss right now.
I freaking love sugar and eat more of it than I realize.

Last week I lessened my exercise goal for myself. I said, sure... do it 5 days a week. But have it be intentional walking. No gym clothes packed. Just put on sneakers and march around a little. I walked to work, I walked to bells, I walked and walked. I don't know what I'm burning and I'm sure it's a fraction of what I would've burnt on an elliptical, but I felt better. I also feel like my headspace is improved because not only am I not hungry all the time, but also I'm not as compulsive all the time either. I am feeling a great relief of that anxiety that was bumming me out in my last post.

So I'll add the weights etc after I hit goal weight and am no longer concerned with losing.

I really want to eat sugar all the time. Even if it's just a nibble there... a hershey's kiss there. I love sugar. I've been coming up with desserts that have been satisfying that itch but man. I really didn't understand how much sugar I consumed on a regular basis. Honestly, it's a trap that is probably really easy to fall back into. Awarness is good though. Perhaps a first step?

Another thing I've learned (unrelated to the challenge but still) is that I'm much more inclined to night eat if I eat dinner at home. Why would that be? I think if I go out to a meal it feels really final, but if I'm microwaving an Amy's burrito or something like that. Even if I make a nice sit-down meal... it feels like a cop out. I probably ate out 4 times last week. I was able to make smart restaurant choices with reasonable requests/substitutions. And that feels final. You pay the bill. You go home. You do what you need to do. You go to bed. No eating. But if I'm sitting in my kitchen making food... nibble there... bite there... then after I'm doing dishes and I want some chocolate and nothing is really satisfying and I'm just taking bites of things waiting to settle on that PERFECT THING I WANT. Which part of me knows I won't find in my apartment but part of me doesn't care and just keeps grazing.

How to end this pattern... I'm not sure. But it's good to be aware of when it happens.

I'm learning still. Understanding how to be at this weight is key. Christine was like... hey if you maintain this for the next six months, I'll be happy! Obviously, I'd like to lose still. If that weren't abundantly clear. But fact is that I am doing okay. And I am feeling good about pushing forward.

Friday, April 20, 2012


Now, more than ever (I think), I've been feeling a lot of anxiety around weight loss. I've come far. I'm not done. But I'm close. I'm also at the point where I need to eat like a skinny bitch (pardon my French) in order to look like one.

I think this stresses me out.

And so I eat more.

It's a really unfortunate cycle. I have been just walking a lot lately (no hardcore exercise) and I still have been having my eating/grazing fests. I've been sleeping more. I'm not doing any kind of crazy extra work stuff. And yet, I find myself staring at my food shelf just EATING.

Punishing myself is a bad thing. But compensating for these outbursts are also necessary. And I feel like at one point I understood how to compensate without that seeming like a punishment.

For example, say I eat a ton of sugary cereal some morning. Like a ton. I know that at the end of the day if I make myself an eggwhite omelette with some mushrooms and laughing cow... everyone wins. I got to eat my sugary carbs, and end with a nutritious, low fat, low calorie, protein heavy dinner. But these days I'll eat that dinner. And want more. I'll want spoons of peanut butter or popcorn or ice cream. And I'll take it. And then I feel guilty about that so make OTHER food promises for the next day that I will ALSO not keep.

How do I find that motivation? How do I reduce the anxiety of this? How do I stop punishing myself for bad eating choices WHILE reducing them?

How have I gained 2lbs doing this weight loss challenge?

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Celebrating Victories

I only ate food that was mine. This is big.

I went to a Mexican restaurant with coworkers and felt like a tool BUT:
Opted out of sangria
Had one (1) Corona Light
Ordered Mesclun Greens with Grilled Ghicken (not the taco salad... not tacos... not a BURRITO) with dressing on the side.

Again, I felt kind of like an asshole but the ladies know I'm working on my weight. I feel like I'm getting my head back in the game. Finding balance where I can feel happy and not compulsive. Once I feel like I'm in a better headspace we can try this whole LOSING WEIGHT ACTIVELY thing again.

I walked to work for the second day in a row. This serves as an actually lovely way to start my day (listening to Dan Savage walking along Central Park... no complaints), my exercise for the challenge, and a way to be in my body without feeling famished after. Again, once I feel happier/healthier I can start looking at more hardcore exercising again. But this is satisfactory for now.

Feeling better. One successful day at a time, right?

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Bad week

Need to refocus.

Gained 2.5lbs.

Then binged.

And drank.

Wah wah!

Resolutions for (the rest of) this week:
Don't go over my calories.
Don't eat food that isn't mine.
Get my head in line.
Cool it on the exercise -- I think it's making me tired/hungry.
Walk to work.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012


Yesterday morning I was late to work.

I set my alarm for 6:30 and all but slept in my gym clothes. Lunch was packed. Everything was ready. I crawled out of bed at 7 and ran to the gym. As I was chugging away at the elliptical I remembered the slow cooker meal that I didn't get a chance to prepare the night before. I still had the shopping list on a post-it note. So I figured... why not? Get it done.

I ran my sweaty self to the grocery store and gave myself 5 minutes to grab everything. 10 minute later I was home. My roommate was in the shower so I started chopping. I forget chopping in my ingredient prep time. I need to get better knives. Or one of those as-seen-on-TV choppers! By the time my roommate got out of the shower. I was almost done preparing my ingredients. And had 30 minutes to get to work (it takes me about 20 if everything is working more or less in my favor).

So a decision: go to work sweaty, oniony and garlicky? Shower and push it?

I opted to shower. Figuring it was probably the best choice for everyone around me. Myself included.

And then the trains were SERIOUSLY delayed.

Is this a win?

Or a lose?

Also the dish I made (from was really good! I served it with a side of quinoa (kosher for Passover!!) and another skinnytaste recipe.
Crockpot Chicken La Criolla
Asparagus with Turkey Bacon (I substituted turkey bacon for the prosciutto)

I wish I remembered to take pictures! It made enough for me, my boyfriend and three lunches!

Monday, April 9, 2012

Week 5 Recap: I miss carbs

I didn't do as great on my March Madness this week. It was hard with Passover (and Easter candy everywhere!). Excuses, I know... but still.

The past two weeks I've made a real commitment to counting carbs. I'm kind of sick of it. I made that big batch of ground turkey that HURT me to pack for lunch again today.  Salads are tasty, I like them. I like eating fresh foods. But it's been too much. I need to find lunch options that satisfy. I found some Weight Watchers bread that is 10 carb for two slices. So maybe it's time (after Passover, of course) for some tuna salad sandwiches. Or Veggie Burgers. Do you guys have low-carby stuff you like to make. All my quinoa and lentils etc are putting me over the edge!! I should probably just slow cook a batch of chicken and have that for the week.

Christine assures me all this carb nonsense can stop once I get to my ideal weight but JEEZ. I'm bored of healthy food. I am craving sugar. I think a lot of my sugar-fixers (VitaMuffins, Yogurts, Fruit, etc) are all higher carb than I feel like entertaining and so... I've lost that. I've been giving in to a lot of my cravings and I'm not totally sure why. Why is it harder all of a sudden to NOT eat a handfull of M&Ms? Part of me thinks I should not resist. Pack myself 10 M&Ms for the day. Part of me knows that that is a HORRIBLY slippery slope.

I gained weight. 1.25lbs to be exact. I'm okay with this as I thought it was going to be closer to 4 (post Passover dinner it WAS 4... that was distressing). I was reading a blog that said her goal for the week was to cut out BLT (bites, licks and tastes). Intellectually I know I should probably commit to something similar, but practically, I don't want to!

I've been getting into grazing patterns. I don't want to call them binges because it's not vast quantities. It's more standing around my kitchen, M&M there, peanut butter there, cracker there, nuts there. Just little nibbles that I'm sure add up to at least 2-300 calories a go. I think part of it is feeling entitled/hungrier after exercising. I think part of it is I am SO anal about my food during the day that the second I give up my rigid structure, I bask in my food freedom.

At one point I had my doctor print out all my weights from years past (starting in around 2006 or 7, I believe). It was interesting to revisit those numbers. Christine said I should be really proud and that most healthcare professionals would probably just try to have me maintain here as weight is not easy to keep off.


Not productive thinking. Of course I can keep off the weight. Of course a few M&Ms does not mean my ultimate demise. The trick is keeping it to a few. And I know that. This is not new information, this is not a new negotiation with myself. I'm at a weight I really never DREAMED of being and I'm grateful for that. I am happy, I am healthy, I am strong, and I just need to keep going.

Part of me wonders if my current happiness in pretty much EVERY aspect of my life is what is keeping me back from focusing on this. I am not unhappy with the way I look. Christine sort of tried to force some motivation (as she did in the beginning). "Don't you want to look good for Italy (yes, family vacation to Italy in June)? There will be lots of photos being taken!" And instead that sort of hurt my feelings. Why wouldn't I want my photos taken NOW? There was a picture posted of me from a friend's wedding on March 25th and I got a whole host of compliments. Are those to be taken with a grain of salt? You look so much BETTER? Not you look so GOOD?

Is this vain? At this point, I'm pretty sure all my looming health issues regarding weight are fixed. So I'm also pretty sure that completing this journey is, to some point, a vanity issue. Yes, I'm techincally still overweight by BMI standards. But hardly. I'm sure if/when I get my hemoglobin A1C (diabetes test) done, it will be fine. I'm going to the gym. I feel stronger than ever (I even made my mom touch my bicep at Passover...hahah). Is this enough?

I want to lose 10 more pounds. I really do. I am 4 pounds away from Christine's initial goal for me. Is that crazy? It feels sort of wacky to be so close. I don't feel close to done. Granted it's taken me probably about 6 months to lose 4lbs so... maybe it's not SO close. I remember the days when I would be totally unfazed by losing 3lbs in a week. Ah, the early weight loss days. Thank god it was so reinforcing!

I hope everyone who celebrated had a wonderful holiday weekend!

March Madness Weight Loss: -0.5lbs

Monday, April 2, 2012

Week 4 Recap

This week went pretty perfectly as far as my March Madness thing went though I did seriously sugar binge this weekend. When I lose the structure that I self-impose my Monday-Friday, I have a much harder time keeping it together. There has also been a ton of candy and chocolate floating around my life (in no small part due to Easter). I do know that I'm going to have two BIG meals this week for Passover, so I'm going to try and keep it together until then.

All said though, I lost another .5lbs. While that may seem pretty minimal, I am pretty thrilled that there is movement in the right direction. I was a little nervous last week that this would be a fluke and that the weight came off for some weird reason, but after this weeks weigh in, I think that weight is gone for good. Let's hope, shall we?

I planned really carefully today and since I'm spending the night in Brooklyn tonight, I went so far as to pack TWO lunches/snacks/etc for tomorrow so I don't get thrown. I made some lean ground turkey with carrots, celery, soy sauce and chili sauce to put on top of salads this week. It actually was quite tasty, very low carb and fairly low calorie. It doesn't look particularly beautiful, but I think it will taste really good over my greens.

Sorry I've been a little slow on posting, my show opened on Friday and there has just been so much running around. I'll get back to details soon.

Also seriously I'm obsessed with The app is really great too. You should all join it and be my friend! I'm a good commenter. I went to a Total Body Conditioning class (you may remember the one from Week 1?) this morning. Already I'm feeling achy. Does not bode well for tomorrow. Though I did feel stronger in the class and didn't leave feeling as completely physically wiped (though I was also a few minutes late so missed the crazy cardio warm up).

It's April, yes, but I'm still considering this my March Madness challenge. Sorry.

March Madness Weight Loss: - 1.75