Monday, November 28, 2011


So many people have posted such lovely posts about what they're grateful for and it's been lovely to read. I'm grateful for this journey (as frustrating as it may be) and I'm grateful for all of you who read this. Even if you stop by and don't comment, just knowing that there is an audience who might take a tiny something away from this is reassuring.

Thank you.

And I'm grateful that I managed to lose weight Thanksgiving week. Whaaaaaaaat? Okay so it was 3/4 of a pound and then I proceeded to go home and eat a Healthy Choice Meal (started out with good intentions), two cookies, an English Muffin, and a few spoonfuls of peanut butter. Oh well. I woke up this morning weighing more than I did the afternoon before.

This final Christine-approved weight brings me back (again) to my lowest weight. She finally asked me (after weeks of not pushing the issue) what I wanted to do. She said something like "Do you just want to maintain here? I know all your clothes fit, you look good... what's the next step?" I know I've been lax about this all. So does Christine. I told her I want to lose 10 more pounds and then reevaluate (though considering how difficult these past 5 have been to 1) lose and 2) keep off) I can't imagine how long that would take.

She said that I should send her diaries. This is a good idea for several reasons. 1) I'm accountable. So long as I don't lie and 2) She can help me see what better choices I could be making if I feel like I have a PERFECT week and yet the scale does not budge.

So I will be doing that. In preparation (and a testament to the first point I just made) I packed my lunch today. Tuna salad, bagel thin, yogurt, apple and I popped a 100 calorie bag of popped corn to eat before bell practice so I'm not famished by the time it's over.

Now how is THAT for prepared. When I get home I have more Healthy Choice meals and I think that will round out a very diet-friendly day.

Plan: stick to that. Then email Christine about it and feel good/proud of all my choices.

Also Thanksgiving was really a turning point in my diet. I started seeing Christine just after my birthday (late October) and had been seeing her regularly but kind of futzing around and not losing weight. Finally, she asked me why I was wasting my money on her. I was sort of upset by this question and huffed out of the session. Then Thanksgiving came and I stuffed my face to the point of feeling ill. And I remember sitting there, bloated and gross, knowing exactly where all those extra pounds came from.

It was also the Thanksgiving where my grandmother announce to the whole crowd (family, extended family... their plus ones etc). That she had a dream that she and I went to a "reduction farm" and that I lost a ton of weight and when we left my mother was SO happy with her because I looked SO good. I was totally mortified. Not only was it public, and humiliating. But probably if she took me to a fat farm and I lost a bunch of weight, EVERYONE would be really happy for her. The fact that the dream was theoretically true, was also totally upsetting. I was furious with my mom for not standing up for me. She said that my grandma was just going to say what she was going to say and there was nothing she could do to stop it.

The fact that my mother was so resigned to this kind of hurtful talk toward me was a sign that I needed to change. And take things into my own hands. And get it done.

Final stretch. No more binging. Focus. Don't lie. Send diaries to Christine. Blog!

Tuesday, November 15, 2011


I feel almost embarrassed to write this. But the point of this blog is not to document my successes but to document the journey. I suppose. Ideally it's more successes than not but...

I am in a dieting rut. From what I'm reading, it seems like I'm not alone which is comforting to a point. I gained 3.75lbs last week! How did I do that? Even for most of the week I felt like I was mostly on track. And then the weekend came, and I just didn't care. Saturday night I ate practically TWO dinners. I chugged alcohol like it was my job and then got up and hand brunch. But is that 4lbs worth of overeating? Lord.

So I came out of that saying JEEZ, ANNA, CALM IT DOWN. So yesterday I was on track until I went to a rehearsal. Someone had brought Dunkin Donuts Munchkins. I swear there was one point in my dieting life where I could have a TASTE. A MODERATE taste of anything (one fry, one bite, etc). So that's what my plan was. Deprivation is not the answer, I told myself. MODERATION is the answer. If you REALLY want one, just have one. So I had one. And you know, it wasn't that good. So I tried a different kind. Not that good either. So I tried a different one. Etc.

I had somewhere in between 5 and 10 munchkins before I took a step back. This is how you gain 4lbs in a week. This is how you sabotage all the work you're doing. Blame hormones or whatever, but you are responsible for your actions. Be accountable.

I was so angry at myself. I went home, skipped dinner, and went to bed super early.

This morning, I planned. I had a little cup of cottage cheese, coffee and an apple for breakfast. I have a bar for noontime and I'll get some soup or something small for lunch. And dinner I'll figure out. I'm also trying to look for ways to cut calories while keeping my routine. Going from skim lattes to coffee with skim milk etc. Do you guys have any little things like this you use to help?

One of the ladies in rehearsal turned to me this weekend and said. "You've lost a lot of weight!" I confirmed what she was saying. "How much?" she asked. "65" She looked hard at me. "I lost 85lbs seven years ago. It's work to keep it off." She smiled at me and I smiled back. I'm beginning to understand why so many people gain back the weight. The momentum is lost, it becomes a chore and not a way to success and happiness. People stop noticing. 5lbs gained seems like NOT A BIG DEAL in the whole context of it all. And pound by pound, inch by inch it comes back.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Onwards and Upwards

So first an update: no news from the boy.

I think in this instance no news is BAD news. But I'm feeling a lot better. Thank you to everyone who reached out to me. I feel very supported and I'm grateful to have you all in my life.

It will be good to take some Anna-time. I figured I saw the boy about twice a week and so now I'm going to do yoga at least twice a week. I bought a Groupon for a studio near my office and ideally it will be awesome and I can just do that for a while. I think getting physically stronger will be good for me both for body and mind. I can't tell you the last time I went to the gym (though I could probably go through old posts and find it!).

I got a manicure and pedicure yesterday and took care of some errands that I needed to get done... it all felt very indulgent yet productive. I signed up for yoga tonight... I feel like in my prime I was rocking level 2, but I signed up for a level 1 class. So, either it will be an appropriate level or I will rock it and know I can move forward. The goal is to not scare myself out of exercising. Let's see if I can actually stick to it for once. I have strong intentions of becoming a yoga goddess.

Also, for all you gym rats out there are there any gym-based programs that you really love? Or routines you follow? Or anything like that? I have a gym membership that I should probably attempt to get some use out of... the treadmill started hurting my hips and knees though and I feel like maybe that's just not the best form for me.

I also noticed something about myself yesterday that I think actually pertains to weightloss quite well. My dermatologist perscribed some face wash for my acne. Now, I have never thought of myself as an acne-ridden person. I guess I've always had pimples but never a distracting amount (to me anyway). But I bought the stuff so I figure I may as well try it out. And now all I can do is obsessively hate my face. Every blemish feels like a failure.

I think this 1) blindness and 2) incredible self criticism is why I had so much trouble losing weight in the first place.

One, I was happily overweight. I really was. Of course I had my body issues... but 65lbs thinner... I still do. Who doesn't? I really didn't have a lot of self loathing problems though. I thought I was cuteand fabulous with my curvy stature. I didn't hate myself.

Two, the second I started trying to lose weight was when the self loathing would start. Every pound of flesh seemed disgusting. I couldn't look at myself in mirrors, I wouldn't gussy up becasue... why bother? I hated pictures. I avoided Facebook.

I'm not sure what changed about this round of weightloss attempts, because clearly this weird two-step delay to self improvement is still there. I haven't beaten that (yet). What are some tools you guys use to get over hurdles like that? How do you beat the cycle of self loathing and instead pat yourself on the back for doing something good for yourself?

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Sad Sad Sad

It's funny how fast things can change. I was riding a total high at the beginning of the week. I was happy, I was productive, I was jet-setting to DC, I was finally feeling motivated. Really truly motivated.

And then...

Basically details aren't super important but I was put in a category somewhere between limbo and rejected. By a boy (of course, right?). And I fell. I was in the shower trying to figure out how to craft this post. I've been engaging in a lot of Destiny's Child therapy and one of Beyonce's glorious lyrics is sticking out to me:

You know I'm not gonna diss you on the internet, cuz my momma taught me better than that.

Though I guess this is not dissing, but rather a processing of what I'm going through. In the shower I figured I'd walk you through my week. And I also think my food consumption over the past seven days or so has been interesting as well. So we'll include that.

Monday was the day with the weird planned binge that never happened. It was also the night I showed up to DC. In DC I didn't eat particularly horribly until my mom's big dinner where I just didn't hold back. I stocked up on appetizers and pretty much ate everything put in front of me (except I did leave half of the dessert). Wednesday was my big positive thinking day. I was exhausted due to the late DC train ride and so work was a little difficult but I was cheerful and planning on GETTING THINGS DONE. Thursday was a really good day. Work was fun and busy due to opening night that night. I got home, got all dolled up and looked pretty hot (if I don't say so myself!). I took the boy with me to opening night and we had a really swell time and got a drink together after and that's where shit went down.

I didn't get home until super late and I felt terrible. I could not sleep for the life of me. And I'm a sleeper. I VERY RARELY have trouble falling asleep and so when I CAN'T it all feels particularly traumatic. I can't sleep because I'm upset and then I get upset that I can't sleep so I continue to not sleep and the spiral continues. I got up raccoon-faced with mascara blotches on my pillow. I put my hair up in a ponytail and set off for work.

I work reception. I am the front desk. I am the "face of". And while usually I love small talking with my coworkers and catching up on the little gossips of the day, I could not have resented my job more. Of COURSE everyone was asking me who the boy was (totally unaware of the complete misery going on inside of me). I regretted bringing him for this alone. And on top of that, it was my uncle's birthday after work so I had to trudge over there and put on a happy face. Completely against what I was feeling. Since it was a coworker's birthday and my uncle's party I managed to consume two slices of DENSE chocolate cake that day. Also someone brought me a picnic lunch from one of the meetings they were having. I had already brought lunch for the day. So what did I do? Ate both.

Total disregard for myself, my hunger, my happiness.

By dinner I was more in control, maybe because of the food scarfing that happened earlier. Though I felt like people were REALLY pushing food on me (it was family-style eating) and I started to resent that too. I've lost 65lbs, you really want to shove food in my face? What's that statistic? Obese people who lose a significant amount of weight almost ALWAYS gain it back within 5 years? You want to put me on that path??

I got home early, fell into bed, woke up 11 hours later. Upset still. The unhappiness I was feeling managed to infiltrate my day. I managed to drop off laundry, got home, got into PJs and watched Breaking Bad. I couldn't even tell you how many episodes I watched, but it was not insignificant. My unhappiness started getting channeled at things. I looked at my living room; it was filthy. I walked into the kitchen; dishes piled high. I walked into the bathroom; hair freaking everywhere. Four girls in one apartment is a fun time usually, but I think standard of living has dropped a little. Between episodes of Breaking Bad I would tackle clean-up tasks. I managed to clean out the entire kitchen, living room and bathroom.

But I couldn't eat. Even now the thought of consuming food is upsetting to me and makes me feel sick. I know I talked about the emotional eating bell curve earlier, but here it is in full effect. As time goes on, I get more and more upset. Probably because I haven't heard from him. When he and I ended the conversation he said we should talk about it more and soon. I agreed. And yet nothing from him. The first day or so there's the promise of a quick turnaround "What was I thinking??" But as time goes on, it feels more and more like the decision has been made. And I'm not the choice. And this puts a pit in my stomach to the point where adding anything just sounds horrible.

It was depressing that this was Daylights Savings Time too... as opposed to one more hour of FUN TIMES it's one more hour of wallowing while watching Breaking Bad.

And I know, I know. Why want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you? You're young, you're now conventionally hotter than you were before. You get exponentially more attention from men than you ever have in your life. Go out. Get drunk. Kiss some boys. Have fun.

But I'm still pretty freaking said. I also almost resent all the new attention I get. I also am going to put this out there. I know a lot of you ladies who read this blog (not that there are a lot of people reading this blog but ...) who are on your own weight loss journeys have had a significant other with you the whole way through. I envy you that. I really do. I'm super jealous. I think it says a lot about you and a lot about your relationships. I'm sure it has a fair deal of complications that goes along with it, but to me the grass is greener on your side.

Sorry for the emoblog. Supposed to meet my brother for dinner tonight (bailed on him for lunch yesterday) so maybe that will help pull me out of my funk. Also here is a picture from when my friends surprised me at work on my birthday. I think I look cute and am super happy!

Wednesday, November 2, 2011


I just had a revelation. I think.

It's not profound. But it feels like a shift in my head.

I've been sitting around the same 60-65 off for a couple months now. It's a comfortable weight. I kind of like being here. I don't feel like I stand out. I don't look unhealthy. I eat my vegetables.

But I've also been indulging (as you've been hearing all about). Not being strict. Eating more than I should. Eating a large quantity of sweets when I used to be satisfied with a bite.

Just sitting here this morning though I thought to myself. Hey Anna. Let's lose this next 10lbs.

As I edge toward my goal I know that I'm going to be done losing soon. I am not sure how much I want gone, but I'm pretty sure I want at least 10 more down.

And let's do it, shall we? I know how. I know why I'm not. And I think I'm ready to say goodbye to the last of it.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Sweet Tooth

I managed to lose 1.75lbs last week. So I'm still up a little from my lowest but that's marginal enough for me not to care. This is going to be a tricky food week for me and I haven't really started out the best.

I've realized that my serious downfall is sweets. I always knew I had a sweet tooth and all of that but didn't quite understand the extent. Someone puts a plate of french fries, mac and cheese, chicken fingers or whatever savory fattening delight they can muster and I can totally pass on it. Or try a tiny bit and be satisfied.

Birthday party in the office yesterday? Chocolate cake? Let me eat that WHOLE SLICE. Roommate baking Halloween cupcakes? Two please. And... it's only Tuesday. I'm actually in DC right now for a big benefit dinner for my mom. Dinner? Delicious steak and crab cakes (plus appetizer, plus dessert, of course).

When I first started dieting (about a year ago), I knew I had to cut out certain foods. I had to cleanse and sort of revamp my style of living. I had to be strict about what was going in and out of my mouth.

Though I will say that yesterday was some sort of success for me. I was sort of preparing for a binge. Traveling always makes me want to eat. A lot. And I think the THOUGHT of traveling also starts to gear me up. I woke up ate a cupcake, peanut butter rice cake, got to work and had a breakfast bar and a latte, had a soup and a LARGE half duck and fig sandwich, got back to the office had a HUGE slice of chocolate cake, went to get food for the train (would be traveling through dinner) and bought a tuna salad sandwich. I got to the train station and decided I would want to have TWO dinners (totally reasonable--a WHOPPING 3 hour train ride) and so I bought some (baked) falafel. The train was delayed so I started picking at the falafel. I probably got about halfway through.

But then I stopped and checked in. Anna, you've been putting shit in your body all day. Let's stop for a second.

Are you hungry? ... No.

Is there something you're getting out of this food? ... No?

Well how about you save it until you need it. Like... use it for what it was meant to be used for. ...Ooookay.

So I brought it on the train and just was not hungry. So I have 1/2 a falafel platter and a whole tuna salad sandwich sitting in my fridge now. I'm sure I still managed to go overboard yesterday, but at least I stopped myself. Small victories. And I'm at a point where I need to celebrate all victories.

Christine said she wants me maintaining in 5-10 more pounds. My feeling is I will be stuck around my current weight for a while... which doesn't bother me. I actually feel pretty good in my skin at this point. I'd love to start introducing exercise. I think I need to find a place near work that 1) has a class at 5:30 and 2) has a shower. I see a lot of theater at around 8 and if I could squeeze in an exercise before that, I think that would lead to some great success.

Here's to finding that.