Thursday, December 29, 2011

And then... a binge.

Honestly for the first time in a long time I really seriously binged.

I can sit here and write you excuses. I am tired. I am sick. It was a party. Hormones. Boys. Stress. Holidays. But all of that add up to nothing. I've been all of those things before. Food isn't an excuse. I even was aware of what was going on at the time. I just didn't care and it reached a point where I felt I was SO FAR GONE that I might as well finish what I started. Healthy choices weren't there and MODERATION (which should have been MY healthy choice) didn't happen.

I've been sending my food to Christine and I sent her a really pathetic one telling her I didn't want to send her my food for the day (I've sent her even bad days before so she probably knew this was a horrific one). Her response was short and sweet: "Anna, take a deep breath, the holiday season is almost over, C."

The incredible amount of support I have from her is awesome. What's been SO important about my process (I think) is finding a human support system for this. I get sensitive and udgy when anyone talks about my weight and so it was not easy.

I think my plan right now is actually to eat a little more early in the day. Not that last night was even a little about hunger. I was stuffing my face long after I felt sick I was so full. I got on the scale this morning to a HUGE number for me at this point. But I'm going to try and get in the mentality of evenly spreading calories throughout the day and not LOADING at dinner. This week I think I wanted to step up my diet and eat even LESS and I've overdone it TWICE now. Clearly that is not the answer.

My hopefully more-filling snacks for today (I've already eaten some FiberOne...).

And now I'm feeling anxious for New Year's Eve. I overdid Christmas. I overdid my brother's birthday. I overdid the Hanukkah party. I also don't really know how to plan (THOUGH the amazing lady who is hosting does read my blog... :-) ). I'll bring lots of snacks and not drink too much alcohol (I'm sick anyway so this shouldn't be so hard). Good choices. Good choices. Good choices. And if the choice isn't obvious then moderation is a good choice that can come from me.

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