Anna Watches Her Weight

Yesterday I went back to Weight Watchers with my father. He lost 3.8lbs and I lost 3.2. Quite a lot for one week. I have an unfair advantage though as I was just about to get my time-of-the-month last week. But nothing like a little extra boost. I stepped on my scale this morning and saw a weight I haven't seen since March. Nice to feel like the changes I'm making are working.

What's the difference? Honestly, portion control. I have trained myself to eat in a very healthy manner. I go gaga at the farmer's market. I broil fish and eat peaches like it's my job. And I seriously enjoy doing it. Of course, I have a penchant for unhealthy foods. I love chocolate. I can eat a jar of peanut butter in a couple days. I like fried things. I like greasy things. But I'm fairly comfortable repressing all that at this point and keeping the unhealthy choices as SOMETIMES. There does seem to be just plain eating too much and I think that's what Weight Watchers is helping me reassess. A cup of pasta... 1/5 of my daily intake is NOT a lot of pasta. Also Weight Watchers puts an incredible emphasis on fruit and vegetables. So now, if I want to snack, I'm grabbing a grapefruit or orange instead of a Luna Bar (5 points). 

I'm shocked how quickly I can burn through points. I'm also shocked that I'm allowed unlimited fruits and vegetables (more or less). 

I first joined Weight Watchers in the seventh grade. They had a branch a couple blocks from my apartment. I remember my mom calling and seeing if a 12 year old was allowed to join. I was (I wonder if that's still true). Crazy that that's half my life ago now. What a long struggle this has been. I actually really enjoyed going to meetings. I was kind of the mascot of the group. I think the ladies liked having a kid around. My mom would accompany me to meetings. Sometimes I'd bring random friends from school to sit in with me. Weight Watchers was a social event. 

I don't quite remember when I stopped. Probably got busy with school. Went to summer camp. Was in a play. Didn't have time for it. Didn't have the focus for it. 

I joined again in high school. This time without my mother. This time with a growing despair; a growing unhappiness towards my body. It didn't stick. I'd lose weight and be really into the program but the SECOND I reached a hiccup it would be Armageddon. I'd grow resentful, unhappy, unfocused and lose energy and motivation. 

I joined a second time in high school. This time with a friend of mine. Same story. Initial interest, eventual dissipation. Every time I'd swear this was it. This was the time I was going to lose all the weight. My friend would put olive oil on her chicken to grill it and I'd insist she count the points for the oil. She got annoyed with me, I got annoyed with her. We stopped going.

I joined a third time in high school. This time with my father. My dad is like me except has a longer attention span. My dad when he sets his mind to something follows through 100%. It's insane. I don't think at this point I was ready to be back. It was pressure from home. An over involvement of my family and my desire to appease everyone. I stopped going. My dad kept going. Unintentionally shaming me. My dad lost around 30lbs, looked svelte. I was still fat. Still unsuccessful. 

Off to college.

True to form, I gained my freshman 15. I tried a different diet, lost 40lbs. Gained 40lbs somewhere in my junior year. Senior year I decided I would try to lose weight again. I signed up for Weight Watchers online. And guiltily kept paying for it far longer than I was using it. I'm not even sure I really did much toward it. I remember my boyfriend at the time was on my computer when I got an email update from them and I felt so humiliated. How could he know I was trying to lose weight? I'm sure he didn't think twice about it. But, years later, I remember that horrific moment.

After graduating I started an incredibly emotionally taxing and stressful job where I gained another 15 pounds. My "before" picture to the right is a pretty solid example of that time. I was big. I felt big. Not unattractive, but a large person. My BMI was close to 38 (keep in mind "obese" is a BMI of 30, "healthy" is below 25 -- I was farther away from "overweight" than a borderline "obese" person was from "healthy"). I joined Weight Watchers again, encouraged by a wonderful coworker. I went to a few meetings. I halfheartedly kept www.weightwatchers.com open on my browser. I tracked sometimes. Eventually, again, I stopped. Weight Watchers was not for me, I ultimately concluded. Clearly I was no good at this. No attention for this. And this would NOT be where I would lose my weight.

Finally found a new job. An incredibly boring job. A three person office for a job that one efficient person could do part-time. Around the same time I got a call from my internist (who I had tried to forcibly remove from my weight) with Christine's name and phone number. 

Christine is amazing. Simply amazing. I'm not totally sure how she got through to me but considering we're approaching our two year anniversary, she's done incredibly well. I've dropped (from her last calculation) 69lbs. I try to be a healthy person. I am trying to renegotiate all the relationships in my life (both with myself, food and inter-personally). And then I hit a bump. I don't know if it's fair to call it a plateau because I think I was eating to sustain my weight. I was eating to maintain and I really had trouble imagining cutting out food. So I sit within 10lbs for a year. I honestly don't think I was significantly heavier than I am right now a year ago. maybe 6-8lbs? 

And so finally, it's time to try something new. My Google Reader is FILLED with blogs of people trying to be healthy and/or lose weight. Chock full of them. A really resonant strand is Weight Watchers. So many of the people I follow use Weight Watchers to help them achieve their goal. And I have focus now. It's taken a lot to get me down to this weight. I have a degree of motivation (my stronger motivation will always be to not feel deprived/hungry). And I finally thought that maybe this was it. Maybe Weight Watchers could help me now. Maybe it was not right in the past but it is now.

My father needs to lose weight. He's getting older, it's putting stress on his body. He'll be healthier thinner. That's fact. He just needs a push in the right direction. A roll down the hill to get him on the band wagon again. I figured even if I decided Weight Watcher wasn't for me, at least it would be a good thing to get my dad on the program.

A while back I found the weigh in book from the first time I ever went to Weight Watchers. My starting weight was somewhere around 127 pounds. I continue to be depressed that I saw myself as needing to change my body. That I managed to gain almost 100lbs since the first time I conceived of myself as overweight. 127 isn't even my GOAL weight at this point. I don't think I'll ever be 127lbs again and that is just peachy. I just wish my 12 year old self had a clue.

I'm feeling really happy and comfortable in Weight Watchers (for the one week I've been on it --- stay tuned as always). My boyfriend helps me tally points at the end of the night. I reach out to friends/coworkers for support. It's not a humiliating act. It's not a negative act. I feel REALLY good about where my body is at this point in time and I also feel really good about the changes and mindfulness that are accompanying it. 

Weight Watchers

So I did it.

For the BILLIONTH time in my life, I joined Weight Watchers. Went to my first meeting on Wednesday were a buff middle-aged gay man named Roger lectured us on which alcoholic beverages were points-friendly and where to get the most bang for your buck. I've long since given up heavy drinking (except on my birthday -- so sue me!). But it was still nice to feel like there were other people surviving on light beer and vodka sodas. I don't usually like meetings (this is from the 10000000 times I've joined Weight Watchers), but it's probably good for accountability.

And so far, I'm liking the plan. I have the minimum number of points they assign which at first I was thrilled about. CHECK IT OUT WORLD, I'M SO SKINNY! But the following day was a harsh reality check. WTF!? 4 points in a fat free YOGURT? I can't eat ANYTHING! Though now I've figured out a sort of balance. Basically they give you all fruit and most veggies for 0 points. SO... anytime I get hungry, I snack on that. Christine used to warn me about overdoing it on fruit but I'm putting that out of my head now since I feel like my eating/portions have been severely restricted.

One of my coworkers who used to be on Weight Watchers said to just think of it as a game. Think of the math and points etc as fun. Now I would not go so far as to say I'm having a BLAST here but there is something satisfying about having a concrete goal. I also am not ashamed about it? Is that weird? I feel like formerly I was embarrassed for needing to/trying to lose weight. It would be my secret. Now that I'm thinner I find it easier to be open about my weight loss goals. I'm not sure why that is exactly.

It's also really nice to do it with my dad. He's so anal that it lets me do a little less work because if I get dinner with him, he calculates everything. (It got to the point where he was looking up points values for Pam... I was like... Dad that's nothing. Don't worry!) I feel thinner already though most of that is probably taking off the little bit I put on over the past few weeks. Though that's nothing to scoff at either. I see Christine tomorrow so I'll get a better sense of how this is all going for me then.

But I'm feeling happy and balanced. Usually when I diet TOO seriously I get fed up and eat a ton. Weight Watchers is nice in that nothing is severely off limits. And any diet where I'm allowed unlimited fruit (within reason) is probably a good match for me. I even managed to cook a baby-versary dinner for my boyfriend (9 months... but why not celebrate?) consisting of pesto and chocolate covered strawberries and only went 2 points into my reserve bank. I think he's sort of sickly fascinated by Weight Watchers too and laughs trying to calculate the amount of points he eats in a day (like... double mine... at least... stupid young male metabolism).

So here's to Weight Watchers and taking off the last 10-15lbs. Still working on it.

Change

I know I haven't mentioned it in a while but I love priorfatgirl.com. I truly do. So much so that I bought the t-shirt. And water bottle.

Elle is one of their bloggers over there. She's lost about 50lbs is 27 years old and single. Today she posted this article and I thought it was important to share. She put into words something that I feel to my core but have trouble expressing. The difference of who I am versus who I was. Self acceptance? Seeing change as positive.

Maybe that last bit sounds weird considering this is a blog completely devoted to patting myself on the back for weight loss. But I frequently have feelings of resentment about my weightloss. I hate that my family takes great pride in it. I hate that some of my friendships with people I felt close to are forced to change. I hate that people want to date me more.

I don't know why I kept the weight on myself for as long as I did. I tried to do some soul searching at the beginning of the process to learn how my fat was helping me. For Elle, it served as a kind of shield. But I still don't totally understand what it was for me. I was a happy person. I didn't hate myself. And I wonder if it's part of the issue?

Some of my relationships are being forced to redefine when I didn't think my weight impacted them in the first place?

And not to mention boys. I got hit on before... but the attention I get now is way greater than any I ever got before. Though I still sort of feel like the "ugly friend" when I go out with my friends at night. And no, I can't go flirt with the super attractive guy because he'd NEVER be into ME. I will flirt with his not-as-cute friend. One of my friends even said to me outright, "You've lost so much weight you can date guys hotter than THAT now!"

I think it was meant to be encouraging but it really made me think. How has my "status" changed? How has my "date-ability" changed?

I almost wish I had been dating someone through this process. Someone who I felt loved and cared for me BEFORE I started all of this. I have a hard time trusting relationships right now. And I do think being more conventionally attractive has led to longer relationships. I think I don't have to be on 100% and have to make sure my sparkling personality shines through. If I have an off-night, it will likely be forgiven. I have more power in the situation.

And of course, I'm dating. I'm dating people who don't really know that I've lost weight. Though we're Facebook friends so if it were ME, they'd be obsessively stalked by now. But ... not everyone is me. I don't know how to/if I should come out as a prior fat girl. On one hand, I love being at a new(ish) job where people don't really know me as a "fat girl". I can relate to all the women in here trying to lose weight (my workplace has a small but mighty Weight Watchers contingent). But I can also go out with the girls and giggle about boys and I don't feel like the odd heavy girl on the sidelines of all the action. Because I am dating. Because people do flirt. Because I have changed. But on the otherhand I still don't understand the change. Like how people (especially from my "old" life) relate to me now vs before. My relationship to THEM has not changed exactly because THEY haven't changed. Does that make sense?

Gah I don't know. I have a lot of rambling and conflicting thoughts (clearly).

And then... a binge.

Binged.
Honestly for the first time in a long time I really seriously binged.

I can sit here and write you excuses. I am tired. I am sick. It was a party. Hormones. Boys. Stress. Holidays. But all of that add up to nothing. I've been all of those things before. Food isn't an excuse. I even was aware of what was going on at the time. I just didn't care and it reached a point where I felt I was SO FAR GONE that I might as well finish what I started. Healthy choices weren't there and MODERATION (which should have been MY healthy choice) didn't happen.

I've been sending my food to Christine and I sent her a really pathetic one telling her I didn't want to send her my food for the day (I've sent her even bad days before so she probably knew this was a horrific one). Her response was short and sweet: "Anna, take a deep breath, the holiday season is almost over, C."

The incredible amount of support I have from her is awesome. What's been SO important about my process (I think) is finding a human support system for this. I get sensitive and udgy when anyone talks about my weight and so it was not easy.

I think my plan right now is actually to eat a little more early in the day. Not that last night was even a little about hunger. I was stuffing my face long after I felt sick I was so full. I got on the scale this morning to a HUGE number for me at this point. But I'm going to try and get in the mentality of evenly spreading calories throughout the day and not LOADING at dinner. This week I think I wanted to step up my diet and eat even LESS and I've overdone it TWICE now. Clearly that is not the answer.

My hopefully more-filling snacks for today (I've already eaten some FiberOne...).

And now I'm feeling anxious for New Year's Eve. I overdid Christmas. I overdid my brother's birthday. I overdid the Hanukkah party. I also don't really know how to plan (THOUGH the amazing lady who is hosting does read my blog... :-) ). I'll bring lots of snacks and not drink too much alcohol (I'm sick anyway so this shouldn't be so hard). Good choices. Good choices. Good choices. And if the choice isn't obvious then moderation is a good choice that can come from me.



Omelette Muffins!!

Yesterday was my lay-low day. It was pouring and all I wanted to do was go home, read, mess around on the internet, and cook dinner. One of my favorite people from college was coming over after a date and so I wanted something easy, vegetarian and, of course, healthy. Originally the thought was to make a fritatta. I had a bunch of egg whites in a carton, some frozen spinach (leftover from the chickpeas) and some fat free feta.

I have discovered this blog called skinnytaste.com. It is a really awesome blog. I am kind of obsessed (and trying to find others like her!). She is a Weight Watchers member and so posts points(+) (for all/any of you on the WW plan) as well as nutritional information for everyone else. And lo and behold! She had a spinach/feta fritatta recipe! I thought I was golden. Linked at the bottom though was this recipe for broccoli/cheddar mini omelettes. And I knew that I had to make the omelette muffins. I used the 2nd recipe and just subbed in my carton of my (defrosted and patted dry) frozen spinach for the broccoli, and my fat free feta for the cheddar. And they came out SO WELL. Baked through perfectly in 20 minutes. They heat up well (or so I'm told... gave one to my college friend this morning). And store easily.

I will definitely be repeating this recipe for Jamie when she gets back. A very fruitful experiment! I also imagine these would be great if you're hosting some kind of brunch or even some kind of easy party appetizer. The only thing I would be mindful of is not adding too much salt to your vegetables or eggs because the cheese itself is pretty salty. Mine weren't TOO salty but I could see how it would be easy to forget to hold back a little.

You can see why I like to call them Omelette Muffins

My lovely roommate enjoying! Also that's her thumb and not a weird chin-growth.

Though I must be honest. The rest of my eating has been a little subpar. I WAY overdid it for my brother's birthday. I've been noshing a lot (which is a habit from my Anna-not-losing-weight-only-maintaining days). It's not even that I'm noshing on BAD foods. It's just that I'm not really lowering my intake enough. I'll be working on this this week. Tonight is my mother's Hanukkah party. Which means lots of food and latkes. I requested my dad do some baked latkes (which is sort of besides the point ... Hanukkah is about eating foods DRIPPING in oil). So hopefully he does some of that. My mom will make her Jewish Soul Food lamb/rice dish. Not THE HEALTHIEST but also doesn't take too much to fill up on.

I think once my head is out of the game... even for a little. It's a lot of work to get back in it. Also the wham of the holidays is hard to resist. I did well staying away from the preamble but can you really say NO that much on ACTUAL Christmas. And then New Years. Hopefully I'll pull myself out of it to not go too crazy tonight. And to refocus and GET IT DONE. Only 6lbs to go to my first goal (well... as of Sunday morning... I actually think it's more than that after the past few days...). SO CLOSE I can taste it (bad metaphor?).

Thanksgiving

So many people have posted such lovely posts about what they're grateful for and it's been lovely to read. I'm grateful for this journey (as frustrating as it may be) and I'm grateful for all of you who read this. Even if you stop by and don't comment, just knowing that there is an audience who might take a tiny something away from this is reassuring.

Thank you.

And I'm grateful that I managed to lose weight Thanksgiving week. Whaaaaaaaat? Okay so it was 3/4 of a pound and then I proceeded to go home and eat a Healthy Choice Meal (started out with good intentions), two cookies, an English Muffin, and a few spoonfuls of peanut butter. Oh well. I woke up this morning weighing more than I did the afternoon before.

This final Christine-approved weight brings me back (again) to my lowest weight. She finally asked me (after weeks of not pushing the issue) what I wanted to do. She said something like "Do you just want to maintain here? I know all your clothes fit, you look good... what's the next step?" I know I've been lax about this all. So does Christine. I told her I want to lose 10 more pounds and then reevaluate (though considering how difficult these past 5 have been to 1) lose and 2) keep off) I can't imagine how long that would take.

She said that I should send her diaries. This is a good idea for several reasons. 1) I'm accountable. So long as I don't lie and 2) She can help me see what better choices I could be making if I feel like I have a PERFECT week and yet the scale does not budge.

So I will be doing that. In preparation (and a testament to the first point I just made) I packed my lunch today. Tuna salad, bagel thin, yogurt, apple and I popped a 100 calorie bag of popped corn to eat before bell practice so I'm not famished by the time it's over.

Now how is THAT for prepared. When I get home I have more Healthy Choice meals and I think that will round out a very diet-friendly day.

Plan: stick to that. Then email Christine about it and feel good/proud of all my choices.

Also Thanksgiving was really a turning point in my diet. I started seeing Christine just after my birthday (late October) and had been seeing her regularly but kind of futzing around and not losing weight. Finally, she asked me why I was wasting my money on her. I was sort of upset by this question and huffed out of the session. Then Thanksgiving came and I stuffed my face to the point of feeling ill. And I remember sitting there, bloated and gross, knowing exactly where all those extra pounds came from.

It was also the Thanksgiving where my grandmother announce to the whole crowd (family, extended family... their plus ones etc). That she had a dream that she and I went to a "reduction farm" and that I lost a ton of weight and when we left my mother was SO happy with her because I looked SO good. I was totally mortified. Not only was it public, and humiliating. But probably if she took me to a fat farm and I lost a bunch of weight, EVERYONE would be really happy for her. The fact that the dream was theoretically true, was also totally upsetting. I was furious with my mom for not standing up for me. She said that my grandma was just going to say what she was going to say and there was nothing she could do to stop it.

The fact that my mother was so resigned to this kind of hurtful talk toward me was a sign that I needed to change. And take things into my own hands. And get it done.

Final stretch. No more binging. Focus. Don't lie. Send diaries to Christine. Blog!

Sad Sad Sad

It's funny how fast things can change. I was riding a total high at the beginning of the week. I was happy, I was productive, I was jet-setting to DC, I was finally feeling motivated. Really truly motivated.

And then...

Basically details aren't super important but I was put in a category somewhere between limbo and rejected. By a boy (of course, right?). And I fell. I was in the shower trying to figure out how to craft this post. I've been engaging in a lot of Destiny's Child therapy and one of Beyonce's glorious lyrics is sticking out to me:

You know I'm not gonna diss you on the internet, cuz my momma taught me better than that.

Though I guess this is not dissing, but rather a processing of what I'm going through. In the shower I figured I'd walk you through my week. And I also think my food consumption over the past seven days or so has been interesting as well. So we'll include that.

Monday was the day with the weird planned binge that never happened. It was also the night I showed up to DC. In DC I didn't eat particularly horribly until my mom's big dinner where I just didn't hold back. I stocked up on appetizers and pretty much ate everything put in front of me (except I did leave half of the dessert). Wednesday was my big positive thinking day. I was exhausted due to the late DC train ride and so work was a little difficult but I was cheerful and planning on GETTING THINGS DONE. Thursday was a really good day. Work was fun and busy due to opening night that night. I got home, got all dolled up and looked pretty hot (if I don't say so myself!). I took the boy with me to opening night and we had a really swell time and got a drink together after and that's where shit went down.

I didn't get home until super late and I felt terrible. I could not sleep for the life of me. And I'm a sleeper. I VERY RARELY have trouble falling asleep and so when I CAN'T it all feels particularly traumatic. I can't sleep because I'm upset and then I get upset that I can't sleep so I continue to not sleep and the spiral continues. I got up raccoon-faced with mascara blotches on my pillow. I put my hair up in a ponytail and set off for work.

I work reception. I am the front desk. I am the "face of". And while usually I love small talking with my coworkers and catching up on the little gossips of the day, I could not have resented my job more. Of COURSE everyone was asking me who the boy was (totally unaware of the complete misery going on inside of me). I regretted bringing him for this alone. And on top of that, it was my uncle's birthday after work so I had to trudge over there and put on a happy face. Completely against what I was feeling. Since it was a coworker's birthday and my uncle's party I managed to consume two slices of DENSE chocolate cake that day. Also someone brought me a picnic lunch from one of the meetings they were having. I had already brought lunch for the day. So what did I do? Ate both.

Total disregard for myself, my hunger, my happiness.

By dinner I was more in control, maybe because of the food scarfing that happened earlier. Though I felt like people were REALLY pushing food on me (it was family-style eating) and I started to resent that too. I've lost 65lbs, you really want to shove food in my face? What's that statistic? Obese people who lose a significant amount of weight almost ALWAYS gain it back within 5 years? You want to put me on that path??

I got home early, fell into bed, woke up 11 hours later. Upset still. The unhappiness I was feeling managed to infiltrate my day. I managed to drop off laundry, got home, got into PJs and watched Breaking Bad. I couldn't even tell you how many episodes I watched, but it was not insignificant. My unhappiness started getting channeled at things. I looked at my living room; it was filthy. I walked into the kitchen; dishes piled high. I walked into the bathroom; hair freaking everywhere. Four girls in one apartment is a fun time usually, but I think standard of living has dropped a little. Between episodes of Breaking Bad I would tackle clean-up tasks. I managed to clean out the entire kitchen, living room and bathroom.

But I couldn't eat. Even now the thought of consuming food is upsetting to me and makes me feel sick. I know I talked about the emotional eating bell curve earlier, but here it is in full effect. As time goes on, I get more and more upset. Probably because I haven't heard from him. When he and I ended the conversation he said we should talk about it more and soon. I agreed. And yet nothing from him. The first day or so there's the promise of a quick turnaround "What was I thinking??" But as time goes on, it feels more and more like the decision has been made. And I'm not the choice. And this puts a pit in my stomach to the point where adding anything just sounds horrible.

It was depressing that this was Daylights Savings Time too... as opposed to one more hour of FUN TIMES it's one more hour of wallowing while watching Breaking Bad.

And I know, I know. Why want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you? You're young, you're now conventionally hotter than you were before. You get exponentially more attention from men than you ever have in your life. Go out. Get drunk. Kiss some boys. Have fun.

But I'm still pretty freaking said. I also almost resent all the new attention I get. I also am going to put this out there. I know a lot of you ladies who read this blog (not that there are a lot of people reading this blog but ...) who are on your own weight loss journeys have had a significant other with you the whole way through. I envy you that. I really do. I'm super jealous. I think it says a lot about you and a lot about your relationships. I'm sure it has a fair deal of complications that goes along with it, but to me the grass is greener on your side.

Sorry for the emoblog. Supposed to meet my brother for dinner tonight (bailed on him for lunch yesterday) so maybe that will help pull me out of my funk. Also here is a picture from when my friends surprised me at work on my birthday. I think I look cute and am super happy!

What are you doing?

My mom's side of the family had a reunion a couple of weeks ago (during Hurricane Irene, in fact!). Due to the entire city shutting down, only the real hardcore (ie. my not-so-far-extended family) made it to my uncle's apartment for a makeshift potluck. The restaurant we had planned to attend shut down.

My immediate family, of course, has been a witness to my whole journey. And sometimes an overly-active participant. My extended family, I see at large family events (weddings, funerals, births, bar/bat mitzvahs). The last time I saw them was in Brazil in May 2010 at my uncle's wedding. In fact, the "Before" picture of me on the right is from that trip. One of my uncles came to pick me up from my apartment and he hardly recognized me. My aunts all gushed and gushed about how brilliant I looked. We talked about losing weight and mommy-issues and everything that ensued.

I felt more on the spot than anything else, but I am always reassured to learn that EVERYONE has weight issues.

One of my aunts pulled me aside and said, "Anna, seriously, what is your secret?" I have an answer that I use to get out of situations like this. Most people don't actually want the long winded answer. I replied "I eat less." She was unsatisfied. "I mean, there's gotta be something you're doing that's not just eating carrots and rice cakes." And I wasn't quite sure how to answer. I laid out my diet plan in excruciating detail in the first post I ever made on this blog. I hardly follow that to a T. And, actually, I think the success I had is just knowing how much I can eat, what is the better choice of food and knowing when I eat a lot so I can compensate in other ways.

The trick is to not punish myself, but just acknowledge and move forward. The trick is to plan. The trick is to love yourself. The trick is to get to a place where losing weight is what you want. I don't even know the transformation that has to have happened in me in order for this go-around to be successful. I don't have words for it, or enough self-awareness to totally understand it. But it must have happened, and as I keep going will probably clarify itself and change and grow inside of me.

How do you explain something you don't even understand? How did I do it? I decided to.

This reunion was tricky in other ways. I was struggling through my first big, overwhelming, seemingly never-ending plateau. Christine doesn't really believe in plateaus. I'm not sure I disagree with her. I think that during my unemployment, my eating changed. Food became a large part of my day. I lost routine. I lost balance. I lost money and options. To have everyone flipping out over how good I looked when I felt like I'd lost my footing was hard. I've come a long way, the end is in sight, but I still have a ways to go. It's hard to get so much positive feedback when you feel so lost.

I'm back though. I'm preparing lunches, I'm cooking dinners. I joined the gym. I'm planning snacks for when I know I'm going to need them. I feel like I know what I'm doing again. And, lo and behold, have started losing weight again.

Christine even asked me if we should only see each other every other week. I'm not quite ready to release my grip on my safety blanket just yet, but it felt good to know that she thought I was ready to graduate.

That said, I am looking for recipes that freeze well that I can bring for lunches at work. Any suggestions? That chicken chili was great but I don't know that just making that every week is a lasting solution! Or quick lunches that are easy to make/bring to work. I really don't have time for elaborate fixings in the morning, but I feel like bringing lunch is the cheap/healthy thing to do. Help!