So many people have posted such lovely posts about what they're grateful for and it's been lovely to read. I'm grateful for this journey (as frustrating as it may be) and I'm grateful for all of you who read this. Even if you stop by and don't comment, just knowing that there is an audience who might take a tiny something away from this is reassuring.
And I'm grateful that I managed to lose weight Thanksgiving week. Whaaaaaaaat? Okay so it was 3/4 of a pound and then I proceeded to go home and eat a Healthy Choice Meal (started out with good intentions), two cookies, an English Muffin, and a few spoonfuls of peanut butter. Oh well. I woke up this morning weighing more than I did the afternoon before.
This final Christine-approved weight brings me back (again) to my lowest weight. She finally asked me (after weeks of not pushing the issue) what I wanted to do. She said something like "Do you just want to maintain here? I know all your clothes fit, you look good... what's the next step?" I know I've been lax about this all. So does Christine. I told her I want to lose 10 more pounds and then reevaluate (though considering how difficult these past 5 have been to 1) lose and 2) keep off) I can't imagine how long that would take.
She said that I should send her diaries. This is a good idea for several reasons. 1) I'm accountable. So long as I don't lie and 2) She can help me see what better choices I could be making if I feel like I have a PERFECT week and yet the scale does not budge.
So I will be doing that. In preparation (and a testament to the first point I just made) I packed my lunch today. Tuna salad, bagel thin, yogurt, apple and I popped a 100 calorie bag of popped corn to eat before bell practice so I'm not famished by the time it's over.
Now how is THAT for prepared. When I get home I have more Healthy Choice meals and I think that will round out a very diet-friendly day.
Plan: stick to that. Then email Christine about it and feel good/proud of all my choices.
Also Thanksgiving was really a turning point in my diet. I started seeing Christine just after my birthday (late October) and had been seeing her regularly but kind of futzing around and not losing weight. Finally, she asked me why I was wasting my money on her. I was sort of upset by this question and huffed out of the session. Then Thanksgiving came and I stuffed my face to the point of feeling ill. And I remember sitting there, bloated and gross, knowing exactly where all those extra pounds came from.
It was also the Thanksgiving where my grandmother announce to the whole crowd (family, extended family... their plus ones etc). That she had a dream that she and I went to a "reduction farm" and that I lost a ton of weight and when we left my mother was SO happy with her because I looked SO good. I was totally mortified. Not only was it public, and humiliating. But probably if she took me to a fat farm and I lost a bunch of weight, EVERYONE would be really happy for her. The fact that the dream was theoretically true, was also totally upsetting. I was furious with my mom for not standing up for me. She said that my grandma was just going to say what she was going to say and there was nothing she could do to stop it.
The fact that my mother was so resigned to this kind of hurtful talk toward me was a sign that I needed to change. And take things into my own hands. And get it done.
Final stretch. No more binging. Focus. Don't lie. Send diaries to Christine. Blog!