I didn't do as great on my March Madness this week. It was hard with Passover (and Easter candy everywhere!). Excuses, I know... but still.
The past two weeks I've made a real commitment to counting carbs. I'm kind of sick of it. I made that big batch of ground turkey that HURT me to pack for lunch again today. Salads are tasty, I like them. I like eating fresh foods. But it's been too much. I need to find lunch options that satisfy. I found some Weight Watchers bread that is 10 carb for two slices. So maybe it's time (after Passover, of course) for some tuna salad sandwiches. Or Veggie Burgers. Do you guys have low-carby stuff you like to make. All my quinoa and lentils etc are putting me over the edge!! I should probably just slow cook a batch of chicken and have that for the week.
Christine assures me all this carb nonsense can stop once I get to my ideal weight but JEEZ. I'm bored of healthy food. I am craving sugar. I think a lot of my sugar-fixers (VitaMuffins, Yogurts, Fruit, etc) are all higher carb than I feel like entertaining and so... I've lost that. I've been giving in to a lot of my cravings and I'm not totally sure why. Why is it harder all of a sudden to NOT eat a handfull of M&Ms? Part of me thinks I should not resist. Pack myself 10 M&Ms for the day. Part of me knows that that is a HORRIBLY slippery slope.
I gained weight. 1.25lbs to be exact. I'm okay with this as I thought it was going to be closer to 4 (post Passover dinner it WAS 4... that was distressing). I was reading a blog that said her goal for the week was to cut out BLT (bites, licks and tastes). Intellectually I know I should probably commit to something similar, but practically, I don't want to!
I've been getting into grazing patterns. I don't want to call them binges because it's not vast quantities. It's more standing around my kitchen, M&M there, peanut butter there, cracker there, nuts there. Just little nibbles that I'm sure add up to at least 2-300 calories a go. I think part of it is feeling entitled/hungrier after exercising. I think part of it is I am SO anal about my food during the day that the second I give up my rigid structure, I bask in my food freedom.
At one point I had my doctor print out all my weights from years past (starting in around 2006 or 7, I believe). It was interesting to revisit those numbers. Christine said I should be really proud and that most healthcare professionals would probably just try to have me maintain here as weight is not easy to keep off.
Part of me is like FUCK THAT KEEP GOING, and part of me is like FUCK I CAN'T RESIST M&Ms CAN I REALLY KEEP OFF THIS WEIGHT FOREVER?
Not productive thinking. Of course I can keep off the weight. Of course a few M&Ms does not mean my ultimate demise. The trick is keeping it to a few. And I know that. This is not new information, this is not a new negotiation with myself. I'm at a weight I really never DREAMED of being and I'm grateful for that. I am happy, I am healthy, I am strong, and I just need to keep going.
Part of me wonders if my current happiness in pretty much EVERY aspect of my life is what is keeping me back from focusing on this. I am not unhappy with the way I look. Christine sort of tried to force some motivation (as she did in the beginning). "Don't you want to look good for Italy (yes, family vacation to Italy in June)? There will be lots of photos being taken!" And instead that sort of hurt my feelings. Why wouldn't I want my photos taken NOW? There was a picture posted of me from a friend's wedding on March 25th and I got a whole host of compliments. Are those to be taken with a grain of salt? You look so much BETTER? Not you look so GOOD?
Is this vain? At this point, I'm pretty sure all my looming health issues regarding weight are fixed. So I'm also pretty sure that completing this journey is, to some point, a vanity issue. Yes, I'm techincally still overweight by BMI standards. But hardly. I'm sure if/when I get my hemoglobin A1C (diabetes test) done, it will be fine. I'm going to the gym. I feel stronger than ever (I even made my mom touch my bicep at Passover...hahah). Is this enough?
I want to lose 10 more pounds. I really do. I am 4 pounds away from Christine's initial goal for me. Is that crazy? It feels sort of wacky to be so close. I don't feel close to done. Granted it's taken me probably about 6 months to lose 4lbs so... maybe it's not SO close. I remember the days when I would be totally unfazed by losing 3lbs in a week. Ah, the early weight loss days. Thank god it was so reinforcing!
I hope everyone who celebrated had a wonderful holiday weekend!
March Madness Weight Loss: -0.5lbs
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