Monday, October 3, 2011

Strange Feeling

So I've sort of been seeing a boy. I hesitate to say too much here since I'm not totally sure what the deal is. We've been seeing eachother pretty consistently over the past month or so. Again, I always am surprised as to how different my body feels next to someone else these days. It's when I become the most aware of much less space I take up and almost how it's EASIER to be comfortable in your skin.

This is not to say I was uncomfortable before. I was actually pretty confident and happy. My size never bothered me until I tried to diet. And then I would become overly critical of every part of myself. It would be difficult to look in the mirror because I would suddenly be aware of every flaw. However now, of course I'm still working and there is time/energy to be spent on dieting, I am not critical of myself or my body much at all. It's much easier to just focus on the goal and keep going.

But not to get sidetracked. This weekend, when said boy and I were hanging out he propopsed we become Facebook friends. So we added eachother right then and there. And then he wanted to look at pictures. So we went through his first, and then we went through mine. And as the pictures got further and further back in time, I started getting a little stressed out about what he was seeing. I never really thought about it before, but my weight is EASILY and READILY trackable. And also something I have not discussed with this boy. I started feeling embarrassed. Of myself. Something I'd never felt before and something I HATED feeling.

Why would I feel embarrassed and not proud? I've come so far. That's awesome, right? I have not changed as a human, I'm still the same person I was when I was 65 (well--64) pounds heavier. I've just made changes. I'm a little angry at myself for the way I felt.

I didn't really talk specifically about this with Christine, but I told her some about the boy and she asked me how it felt to be dating this boy. And the truth is, I never really had trouble getting dates before. I just think that who I'm going out with has changed. And while before I'd be going on dates with bigger guys (for the most part), now thinner fitter people are finding me attractive. And before I would probably think it was weird for a thinner guy to be chasing me, now I'm not skeptical of it. What's interesting now, is the bigger guys aren't really going for me so much anymore. How little they know.

I don't know if I need to 'come out' as being a Prior Fat Girl. It's probably something he can piece together on his own, and while it's a big deal for me and still a huge part of my every day life, I don't know if it's something I need to share with him right now.

And, as promised, here are a couple up to date pictures of me. I wore the t-shirts especially for you.
Cupcakes Are Evil
I'm a PriorFatGirl. What are you?



    I could def use some motivation... I am SO stuck around 50!!

  2. Anna! I had NO idea you had become so thin! You look inCREDible!

    Also, I always admired your shape. But what a hell of a shape now!