Wednesday, January 18, 2012


So yes. Sorry this is turning more into a food blog than a weight loss blog. I guess I feel like my weight isn't super interesting right now. As of last week, I'm up about 1.5 from my lowest weight because I basically took a vacation from dieting last week. This is not to suggest, by any means, that I "fell off the wagon." I just indulged myself a little more than I usually do. Christine says that she's impressed by how "natural" of an eater I am. And I've been working on that. Eating good wholesome food is appealing to me and by going on a "vacation" I'm not giving that up! Just ... not being obsessive. This is what I'd imagine maintaining to be. Or I guess my ideal of what maintaining is. A small handful of chocolate chips here and there. Some peanut butter. Glass (or two) of wine. These are my indulgences.

Though. Let's be real. I'm not ready to maintain yet. I'm close. But not there yet.

I find it easy to be complacent when I'm happy and when I'm busy. And I'm both of those things right now. I feel like my life is coming together in a good way. I'm feeling optimistic. I'm working on a show outside of my job, which is a relief. I'm dating a boy who I anticipate I will be dating for a while. I have a job at the company I want to stay at. So I'm settled. This HUGE year of change for me is winding down into something I'm happy with.

Yet none of these things is COMPLETE yet. Including my weight loss journey. So how do I get drive to get through this last bought? Christine asked me if I even wanted to. Or if this was where I felt good. I think she'd be okay with me sitting at this weight.

I think I will (once again) try and incorporate exercise. I got up early this morning to go to a yoga class. It's right by work, gets out 15 minutes before work, and was only an hour (so I wasn't getting up at CRACK OF DAWN). I carefully planned and packed my lunch (today is an exchange day -- stay tuned), I had my change of clothes all ready and my workout clothes laid out. And I went! I actually did it. Was 10 minutes early and it felt really nice to be in my body and move it. I am very sedentary these days.

However, because it was at my gym and not a yoga studio, the walls were lined with mirrors. And I couldn't help comparing my body to everyone's around me. This is a habit I anticipate I'll have a hard time breaking. And I still felt bigger. It was sad and disappointing. I guess you have to contextualize who is at a 7:45am yoga class, but still. I felt insecure and disproportioned. And after a LONG time of not feeling that and after a LOT of self-acceptance work. I feel like I took a back step.

But maybe this is a fuel to keep me going? Though I've always known (and I think what separates THIS journey from my THOUSANDS of other weight loss trials) is that change for me cannot (and must not) come from a place of negativity. Also I'm loathe to try and motivate myself for superficial reasons, but the fact is I think I'm pretty healthy right now. I'm sure if you ran all my blood tests and whatever, I'd maybe be a little low on muscle, but a healthy, average 20-something.

So. Lose the negativity? Use the negativity? Break the complacency? Enjoy the complacency? I don't really have it figured out right now. And maybe that's okay. I think I'll just stick to my one goal of exercise. And to try and not do exercises that make me ravenous (a problem in the past). But exercise, enjoy my body. The rest will fall into place!

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