Still feeling down. Not as despondent. I've spent this whole week snacking. I've alternated from periods of nausea to periods of just bingeing. Yesterday I basically binged all afternoon, but then I met up with friends in the evening. We went to a Mexican place that has really cheap margaritas which were my comfort of last summer. Friends ordered Margaritas, Coronas, and quesadillas. I managed to not order anything despite everyone's willingness to share. I wasn't hungry and I'm sure I'd well surpassed any calorie guideline I'd set for myself.
Small victories, right?
Today I feel a little more centered in my eating. I'm making a plan, because winging it is not going to work for me like it usually does. I'm going to go back to Anna dieting circa December, and just think about and prepare my foods in a constructive manner.
Things are not going the way I want them to right now, but that's no excuse to take it out on my body.
I'm sure I've gained weight this week. The depressing thing is, I have yet to gain weight since I started actively trying to lose weight and the prospect (almost guarantee) of gaining is a little distressing. I'm almost embarrassed to go see Christine. I don't want to talk about the weight gain, even though clearly that will be the focus of our conversation. I need to remember that this is just one week. It was a hard week. And it's good to learn how my relationship with food changes when my general and emotional stress levels get high.
I was also thinking that I probably am past the window of Week 4 for Cto5K. I wonder if I tried to go back to it if I would just not even be able to do it at all. That's a little depressing too. I think I can't dwell on it.
I went to my doctor this week and all the tests they did in the office came out normal (previously my blood pressure would be a little high). They did some test and the percentage of my body that is fat is 34%. Which seems kind of creepy and high. I should have asked what was normal. He told me to work on strength training and gaining lean muscle. I know this all. But stressing about exercise at this point is probably not constructive since I'm starting to lose my footing on the diet. Once I feel better about that/coping without food... I'll think on adding exercise in (again).