Now, before I get started I want to be clear that I know I'm never done. I know that this is a journey and a struggle that, if I plan on maintaining, will be a significant part of my relationship with food for the rest of my life.
I know that in my head.
But part of me watches my roommates, my coworkers, all trim young women who can eat a cookie, or chips and guac, or a slice of pizza and not have a meltdown. It doesn't have to be a big decision, they don't have to think about what they're eating for dinner, when the last time they had a dessert was, or anything like that. They just allow themselves to eat fun food.
Granted, this is the only context I see them in. They could live at the gym (which I certainly do not), they could eat raw broccoli for the rest of the day (again, not a regular habbit of mine) but just the fact that they seem to so effortlessly eat foods that I have to really mind myself around, makes me jealous.
Why them? Why not me?
When will I be a petite young thang who can scarf down pizza and brownies and still fit into my size 4 skinny jeans?
I've been having issues this week. There has been a lot of sweets around (mostly the office ... but not exclusively) and I have been consuming them. Just because I want to. And not even because it's THAT GOOD. They had apple pie for someone's birthday... it was not fresh, it was not warm, it was not great. But I ate it. A la mode.
My roommate and I went to a vegan restaurant and she wanted a dessert so we picked a CHOCOLATE PEANUT BUTTER cake. (1. A bad choice anyway and 2. Wasn't even all that great.) Yet we scarfed down the whole thing.
These are old-Anna habits. They feel so so so familiar. Almost comfortable. And at this point I look more or less average. I don't think people look at me and see a fat girl anymore. I fit into normal size clothes at normal sized stores. And I want to eat like a normal person. I want to be able to have a burger and fries.
But I can't. And I just have to come to grips with this, I think. That I am NOT normal in my eating. That's how I became an OBESE twenty-something. And because of that, I will never eat like a normal person. I fought to get thinner... why stop the fight?
I guess I just realized that it will take a lot more time and work for my eating to become easier.
Does this make any sense? I'm probably just rambling at this point. I just know I have to start saying "no" to office foods and that is bumming me out. Yet for the past ... 10 months or whatever, I've been doing nothing but saying "no" to foods. Why is it so much harder all of a sudden?