- Pain is weakness leaving the body
- No pain, no gain
- Success is a journey not a destination
- Failing to plan is planning to fail
- If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again
- Weight loss is a marathon, not a sprint
Now, my former self would roll my eyes at all of these (and there are a MILLION more). I would mindlessly search through weight loss websites knowing I was (at least) a solid 80lbs overweight, but not ready or at least willing to do anything about it. I would hate on the about.com people who didn't know (as far as I was concerned) ANYTHING about what I was going through. I did not have a wish to be fat. I just WAS fat. And that's who I was. A fat girl. I'm (by BMI guidelines anyway) 15lbs into the "overweight" zone right now, and sitting at my computer a year ago, staring at how far deep into the red zone I was, was majorly discouraging (at best).
People on The Biggest Loser (I know the show is problematic but go with me) always start out saying "I don't know how I let it get this far". But maybe it makes total sense. When you're sitting there, with over 100lbs to lose, it feels so impossible. So improbable. Let alone people who have 200 or 300lbs to lose. Can you imagine? And even when you lose 150lbs, you are still far from your goal. And that's after losing one-person.
Now here I am. 60lbs into my journey. People ask me if I feel like I've totally changed my eating habits. And, honestly, I don't think it would be too hard for me to slip into old habits. Last weekend I went to one of my best friend's pool parties (this is an event I'd look forward to every year... both for the company and for the food). My friend comes from a big Italian family who (like my big Jewish family) believes in stuffing your face with food at all times. There were probably eight guests there and I could not stop eating. I could absolutely not stop. I started at noon and probably didn't finish until 9pm ... with cake. And I was sitting there, clearly bingeing, and I knew it. But I couldn't stop it. I had voices in my head saying, "Anna, cool it. There is plenty of food. You know what this tastes like. Anna, you're full. Anna, you're STUFFED. ANNA WHY ARE YOU STILL EATING?" But I simply did not listen. I came home feeling sick, totally engorged, and terrible. Christine asked me if maybe these are people I just can't see in that situation any more?
When I started losing weight, I cut out socializing. It was incredibly hard for me because I am a very social person, I like going out, I like eating out, I like being surrounded by people. But I had set myself up as the "fun eating friend." Anytime anyone wanted a fatty meal, or to go out drinking, or whatever, I'd be included in the fun. And I used to pity myself and whine about how all my THIN friends could eat WHATEVER and I'm stuck here being 80lbs overweight. But no, that's not how it is at all. They go out once a week, once every two weeks. But since I was in that role for all my friends I'd constantly be the one going out.
Thin people overeat sometimes. It happens. They don't overeat all the freaking time.
So do I need to cut out the pool party friends? Or at least in that situation? No. I need to plan. I need to eat a good meal before I go over there and be diligent about what I'm putting in my body. I need to know that this is a hard situation for me and go in with full armor. I think I'm getting lazy in my weight loss when really now is the time to be the most diligent about it all. I look good. I look vaguely average. (I actually think I'm the total average weight/size for women in America.) So I'm like, look how far I've come! I can have cake!
No! I mean... yes, sometimes, sure, have some cake. But me being thinner is not an excuse to start gorging myself. How does this make sense in my head? I don't even know!
Which brings me to my cliches I started with. Especially the last one: weight loss is a marathon, not a sprint. I got on my parent's scale this week (which usually corresponds pretty well to Christine's). And I had gained solidly 3lbs from the last time I'd seen Christine. How does that happen? It'd been probably 4 days since I last saw her. And I had a meltdown. I really didn't think I'd been eating badly, but I'm not bloated or anything like that.
So time to re-evaluate. I need to get that fire under me to be anal about my weight loss again. Everyone told me that it gets harder when you get thinner. Obviously this makes sense in my head, but it's hard to actually be there. My weight loss until a month or so had been pretty steady. I could count on losing at least 1lb a week. Now, it feels like a total struggle. Part of it, I'm sure, is me being less focused and part of it is the difficult of losing weight this close to the goal.
I don't know the last time I weighed this amount. Probably somewhere around the beginning of high school, so at this point, this weight has been on me for a decade. I've also heard it's harder to lose weight that's been on you for a long time. Your body gets used to just having it there.
Anyway, this was very rambling and unfocused. So thank you for baring with me (if you have!). But any advice/motivation that you have for me would be really appreciated at this point. Help on how to stay focused, help for how to not freak out over three pounds, help on how to move forward, really any help.
On a cheerier note, I'm moving! Which will be wonderful AND it's a 4th floor walk-up... so I'm going to have pretty foxy legs pretty damn soon.