I've started countless entries but I either get interrupted midway or I just can't find the words to express where I'm at right now.
Last Monday I saw Christine and had somewhat of a rude awakening. I'd gained weight. Nothing drastic, but still an awakening. I was up about 5lbs from my lowest weight (keeping in mind I never maintained my lowest weight) and 3lbs up from where I was maintaining pretty consistently. I know I'd been lazy and lax but honestly, after two years of dieting (well... almost anyway... I started seeing Christine in October of 2010), I'm kind of sick of it. I want to go out and get drinks and have some fries and a burger sometimes. I just DO.
I sat in Christine's office and I said that I forgot what I was doing. I forgot I was trying to get healthy. I allowed myself to be an emotional eater -- something that when I was heavier I used to brag about not being. "I don't soothe my soul with food... I just like eating!" but somehow my relationship with food has changed. Somehow now, food is a comfort, when I never saw it as such before. It could be that I overate so consistently that I just didn't connect overeating with comfort. It wasn't particularly different from my 'normal' eating patterns.
Christine said, "Let's try something. For 7 days I tell you what to eat for a change." Usually Christine gives you guidelines and suggestions/hints but at the end of the day I'm telling her what I ate. Time to flip it.
She gave me something called the Pull Back Dieting Plan. Looking at it feels kind of atrocious, honestly. But today, as I'm into day 4, I'm actually finding it pretty reasonable. I'll outline it for you here (pick one food from each line).
- 1 egg; 2 eggwhites; 1 oz cheese; 2/3 cup cottage cheese; 2 slices fat free cheese
- 1 apple; 1 orange; 1/2 grapefruit; cup of berries; peach
- 1/2 cup FiberOne original
- 1 can water-packed tuna; 1 cup cottage cheese; 6oz broiled fish; 4oz roast beef; 6 shrimp; turkey burger; veggie burger
- Salad with 2T fat free dressing with any veggies except peas, corn, beans or beets
- 2 pineapple rings; 4 prunes; apple; small banana; Luna bar; fat free yogurt
- 6oz hamburger; 6oz fillet mignon; 8 shrimp; 8 medium scallops; 6oz fish; 1 chicken breast; 1 chicken leg/thigh (no skin)
- 1 small baked potato; 1 cob of corn; 1 cup of peas; 2/3 cup rice; small dinner roll; English muffin
- Salad (see above)
- Broccoli; cauliflower; asparagus
- 1 diet hot cocoa; 1 fat free yogurt; 1 cup skim milk; 1 WW fudge bar; fruit; 100 calorie popcorn; VitaMuffin Top
I've added a coffee in the morning because it helps me feel full (and I have it on good authority it will only make me as fat as the milk I put in it).
I'm feeling more focused and centered about my diet than I have before. I had a party at the farmer's market yesterday and I just sauteed up some tomatoes, zucchini and yellow squash for lunch with some broiled fish. Delightful.
The troubling part of this all though is the SECOND I left Christine's office on Monday I started STUFFING MY FACE. In a real and seemingly destructive way. I remember even thinking that "Look at you sabotaging yourself..." but did not want to adjust my behavior. I bought a muffin and ate the whole thing even though I wasn't hungry. I got yogurt (full fat) with granola and fruit and honey. I got a sandwich with PESTO and CHEESE (LORD HAVE MERCY), I got a salad with a creamy dressing, I got a brownie, I got Ethiopian food and ate more than my share of it. All in one day. Probably pick any one of these by itself and it's not so bad (not so great either). I got on my scale that night and saw a number I had not seen in... a year?
I will not beat myself up about it. Instead, I will pull back. I will remember that there are more important things and that my body, health and well being should always top that list.