Onwards and Upwards

So first an update: no news from the boy.

I think in this instance no news is BAD news. But I'm feeling a lot better. Thank you to everyone who reached out to me. I feel very supported and I'm grateful to have you all in my life.

It will be good to take some Anna-time. I figured I saw the boy about twice a week and so now I'm going to do yoga at least twice a week. I bought a Groupon for a studio near my office and ideally it will be awesome and I can just do that for a while. I think getting physically stronger will be good for me both for body and mind. I can't tell you the last time I went to the gym (though I could probably go through old posts and find it!).

I got a manicure and pedicure yesterday and took care of some errands that I needed to get done... it all felt very indulgent yet productive. I signed up for yoga tonight... I feel like in my prime I was rocking level 2, but I signed up for a level 1 class. So, either it will be an appropriate level or I will rock it and know I can move forward. The goal is to not scare myself out of exercising. Let's see if I can actually stick to it for once. I have strong intentions of becoming a yoga goddess.

Also, for all you gym rats out there are there any gym-based programs that you really love? Or routines you follow? Or anything like that? I have a gym membership that I should probably attempt to get some use out of... the treadmill started hurting my hips and knees though and I feel like maybe that's just not the best form for me.

I also noticed something about myself yesterday that I think actually pertains to weightloss quite well. My dermatologist perscribed some face wash for my acne. Now, I have never thought of myself as an acne-ridden person. I guess I've always had pimples but never a distracting amount (to me anyway). But I bought the stuff so I figure I may as well try it out. And now all I can do is obsessively hate my face. Every blemish feels like a failure.

I think this 1) blindness and 2) incredible self criticism is why I had so much trouble losing weight in the first place.

One, I was happily overweight. I really was. Of course I had my body issues... but 65lbs thinner... I still do. Who doesn't? I really didn't have a lot of self loathing problems though. I thought I was cuteand fabulous with my curvy stature. I didn't hate myself.

Two, the second I started trying to lose weight was when the self loathing would start. Every pound of flesh seemed disgusting. I couldn't look at myself in mirrors, I wouldn't gussy up becasue... why bother? I hated pictures. I avoided Facebook.

I'm not sure what changed about this round of weightloss attempts, because clearly this weird two-step delay to self improvement is still there. I haven't beaten that (yet). What are some tools you guys use to get over hurdles like that? How do you beat the cycle of self loathing and instead pat yourself on the back for doing something good for yourself?