Trouble

I feel almost embarrassed to write this. But the point of this blog is not to document my successes but to document the journey. I suppose. Ideally it's more successes than not but...

I am in a dieting rut. From what I'm reading, it seems like I'm not alone which is comforting to a point. I gained 3.75lbs last week! How did I do that? Even for most of the week I felt like I was mostly on track. And then the weekend came, and I just didn't care. Saturday night I ate practically TWO dinners. I chugged alcohol like it was my job and then got up and hand brunch. But is that 4lbs worth of overeating? Lord.

So I came out of that saying JEEZ, ANNA, CALM IT DOWN. So yesterday I was on track until I went to a rehearsal. Someone had brought Dunkin Donuts Munchkins. I swear there was one point in my dieting life where I could have a TASTE. A MODERATE taste of anything (one fry, one bite, etc). So that's what my plan was. Deprivation is not the answer, I told myself. MODERATION is the answer. If you REALLY want one, just have one. So I had one. And you know, it wasn't that good. So I tried a different kind. Not that good either. So I tried a different one. Etc.

I had somewhere in between 5 and 10 munchkins before I took a step back. This is how you gain 4lbs in a week. This is how you sabotage all the work you're doing. Blame hormones or whatever, but you are responsible for your actions. Be accountable.

I was so angry at myself. I went home, skipped dinner, and went to bed super early.

This morning, I planned. I had a little cup of cottage cheese, coffee and an apple for breakfast. I have a bar for noontime and I'll get some soup or something small for lunch. And dinner I'll figure out. I'm also trying to look for ways to cut calories while keeping my routine. Going from skim lattes to coffee with skim milk etc. Do you guys have any little things like this you use to help?

One of the ladies in rehearsal turned to me this weekend and said. "You've lost a lot of weight!" I confirmed what she was saying. "How much?" she asked. "65" She looked hard at me. "I lost 85lbs seven years ago. It's work to keep it off." She smiled at me and I smiled back. I'm beginning to understand why so many people gain back the weight. The momentum is lost, it becomes a chore and not a way to success and happiness. People stop noticing. 5lbs gained seems like NOT A BIG DEAL in the whole context of it all. And pound by pound, inch by inch it comes back.