Blah. Again.

Wow. What a whirlwind week! I know I owe you guys some Jamie/Anna lunch project dishes. I also have been having trouble coming up with what to tell you.

I'm having motivational issues. I don't really want to be on a diet anymore.

Surprise surprise, right? I feel like I know how to eat to maintain this weight I'm at right now. So that's pretty much what I've been doing this week. Though I went to California Thursday through Monday to see one of my best friends and I really wasn't very food/health concious. I walked a lot, but I really didn't hold back from much in terms of portions or choices. But I ate well and had a good time. It sort of felt like a little throw-back to old-Anna eating styles. Fun and mindless. And you know what? I still liked it. A lot. Back in New York it's easier to get back into the habits that I had here. Honestly though, I don't know that it would be so hard for me to slip into old-Anna.

I got a box of chocolate for Valentine's Day (I have not "came out" to my boyfriend... theoretically with some minor Facebook stalking he could figure out that I used to be much bigger. But somehow I really don't think he knows--but that's another post for another time!). And while I did a really good job of not eating it all in one sitting, every day I feel the need to have a piece. What's a piece?? But that's basically been my attitude. And why I can only hope to maintain this week.

That's not to say that sitting here maintaining this weight is difficult for me. I totally know how to do it. I enjoy the way I eat. I enjoy cooking for myself. I enjoy cooking for Jamie and my boyfriend and my roommates and my parents. In a way I think I turned my FUN eating into FUN cooking. Which is clearly healthier and happier. I am a social person. I like being surrounded by people. The amount of alone time I require is pretty limited. There is something about food (and my life in general) that I like to have a social aspect. So I guess I've done an okay job of redefining it all.
I think the root of my frustration is that I didn't get instant results from my Protein on Leaves week. I like instant gratification. I like seeing big results when I feel like I make big changes.

So I suppose here is to maintaining this week. Having Christine kick my butt this weekend (am I overly relient on her??). And figuring out something feasible and not discouraging. Eternally figuring this out. I really hate this last leg in case that wasn't evident.

Sorry

Sorry I've been a little absent. Life has been a little crazy this week. A show I was working on opened ( and closed) last weekend. And then there was Valentine's Day...

And on Sunday I weighed in at up 1.5lbs and I was so frustrated. There were other things going on that may account for weight gain but still. I felt like I was working so hard and to gain a POUND AND A HALF. Not maintain. Not .5lbs. But 1.5. Jeez. I really couldn't deal. So this week has been a much more (pardon my French) but FUCK IT attitude. But I'm not eating like I want to lose weight. I'm eating like I want to maintain weight. And for this week that will be fine. I'm going to California this weekend to see my best friend from high school. So that means I won't be seeing Christine this week. I'm not stressed about it but at some point I need to get out of my funk (ironically the solution I've come up with for my funk [not seriously dieting] will not help my cause [losing weight]).

Don't get me wrong. This is not a binge. This is a tablespoon of peanut butter. A mini Reese's cup. Things that vaguely add up to equal maintenance.

But still. I should consider getting it together. I just think I am spoiled to some extent. I feel like if I put in such an extreme amount of effort, I deserve results. And I'm learning more and more that that is not necessarily how bodies work. I understand more how thin(ner) people can complain about their weight. And not being able to lose it. While I definitely have limited sympathy (I guess myself included at this point), it is hard. And much harder when you're smaller... for me anyway.

Fighting off bad habits in the beginning was probably the hardest. Over a year later, I've redefined my whole way of eating/approacing food... and now I need to do it again? I've retrained myself to not eat like a seriously obese person but instead as a mildy overweight one. And now I need to revamp that to eat like a thin one.

I just don't know if that's going to happen this week. Maybe I'll be inspired by all the beautiful fit Califorinans and come back ready to eat like a thin person!

Protein On Leaves

I did well yesterday. I went to a cafeteria and LOADED UP at the salad bar. It also happens to be connected to a ballet school so they had loads of healthy toppings.

I got:
All three types of lettuce (Spinach, Spring Mix and Romaine)
Cherry Tomatoes
Cucumbers
Mushrooms
Celery
Broccoli
Grilled chicken
Low Fat Vinaigrette

If that doesn't look disgustingly healthy then I don't know WHAT to do.
It was pretty heavy and came out to be over $10! But it was totally diet-friendly. Protein on Leaves!
I went to my parents for dinner and brought left over panko-crusted tilapia with me to put on top of the salad today... so hopefully it will not be as expensive as yesterday (EDIT: it was $7 this time...). I also brought my own dressing. A WHILE back Christine gave me some Low Fat Asian Sesame Ginger dressing I have yet to try. But it's 35 calories for two tablespoons. Diet friendly stuff we're talking here!

This one is a little harder to see due to excessive sun. But you get the idea. Protein on Leaves.

Starch = Devil?

Okay. I'm annoyed.

First off, I have been doing SO WELL with my exercise plan. I got my butt out of bed both Saturday and Sunday mornings and went to yoga. Saturday I cancelled shopping plans with my mother and instead went for a jog with my roommate. The feeling of running was coming back to me and it's really nice to have someone to go out with. I feel bad because she is A MILLION times fitter/better runner than I am but I think she doesn't mind just getting out. Plus she was running a four mile race on Sunday and so didn't want to burn out. Safe to say that she did not (even though I did!). We even talked about running a 5K together. I've been hemming and hawing about a 5K for a while now. You may remember my stint with Cto5K last summer. Somehow I think it will be easier to motivate with my roommate next to me. She said she'd look up races in May/June. That should be enough time to get SOMETHING done, right?

The yoga class I went to on Saturday was a FREE class (which means it doesn't count towards my Groupon hahaha) so I'm changing my tally system.

I've been to 4/11 classes (see what I did there?). I have rehearsal tonight but am planning on going every night this week. I'm debating adding in another 7am class even though the teacher made me feel personally victimized the last time I went. I also am not sure if two classes in one day would KILL me but I haven't been feeling particularly sore or anything. Though with the math that I'm doing right now, I am thinking I'll only get 9 out of 11 classes in. Which is still worth my 30 dollars. If I add in the two morning classes I could make it. But would I want to?

I was patting myself on the back for all my excellent choices during restaurant week. I thought I survived relatively unscathed. I emailed Christine everything I consumed and she sent me back very positive feedback.

And I gained 1.5lbs this week. WTF?!

It was distressing. 1.5 is not a ton in the great scheme of things. But I cannot for the life of me break this little plateau that I've been on for MONTHS now. Months. I feel like I'm eating like a normal person. I don't think I'm overdoing it. I'm trying my best to eat healthy foods. I eat lots of fresh fruit and vegetables. I'm making a concentrated effort. And I gain weight. Usually there is a day or two that I can point to and say Oh-- I should have done that better. But there isn't one for this week.

I suggested to Christine that maybe it was all the exercise that did it? And she scoffed. Literally scoffed. I'm not sure yoga is real exercise in the mind of Christine. And one probably-not-even-a-mile run... isn't going to cut it and cause me to gain 1.5 pounds of muscle. Or whatever.

I expressed my total frustration to her. I mean, I look good. I am still slightly overweight. My BMI still has me as overweight. I would like that to not be the case. She said she'd pay close attention to my diaries this week to see what real changes I could make to get the extra weight off. For this week she made a suggestion: cut out starch for one meal.

Her thoughts were that having a bean soup or stew for two meals a day could be the culprit. This I find upsetting. Can a normal person not have lentil soup for two meals a day and not gain weight? I don't think my eating has been excessive. She said my snacks are fine (FiberOne, fruit, cottage cheese, yogurt, bars). But just to eat leaves for one meal a day. Leaves and vegetables with a little protein (chicken, goat cheese, whatever).

I am bothered by this. She said it's because I'm down a weight class. It's time to up the ante. If you're a 300lb girl and you are eating like a 200lb girl... you'll lose weight. So I guess I'm eating to maintain my weight when at any other point in this journey I would've been eating to lose. And now I need to revamp. Whine whine whine whine whine. I don't think anyone would fault me for just sitting at this weight, honestly. But I really truly would like to lose it!

So for this week the name of the game is Protein On Leaves. And we'll take it from there.

Lunch Project: Week 8!

So this week, I decided to make omelette muffins for Jamie. And yes, you already heard about omelette muffins. Though I did spinach and feta again this time, I also decided to add a chicken sausage to half of them. I cut the sausage into rounds and then quartered those. It was a really nice touch and added a little extra protein and texture. Jamie, who is not a big chicken fan, enjoyed the addition too. I'm actually having friends over for brunch (solution to eating well at brunch -- cook it yourself) and I think I'll make these. I may even add some turkey bacon to some of the omelette muffins... because that sounds really good to me.

There was a little mishap and my carton of eggs fell out of my shopping bag! Nine eggs were cracked (not BROKEN... but needed to be used). So I did 1.5 the recipe for the omelette muffins... but then was stuck with three additional eggs that needed to be used RIGHT THEN. I knew merengues were low calorie and so I went to my default... skinnytaste.com to see if she had any suggestions. And I found this recipe. And it looked delicious. I used to HATE coconut (I still can't do Mounds or Almond Joy) but I've definitely come around to it. The only ingredient I had, however, was the eggs. But between the three ladies I live with, I was able to come up with everything. And even smashed the cornflakes myself (oh yeah... yoga strength!). The cookies were soft and delightful and disappeared INCREDIBLY quickly. I did manage to squeeze a couple out to bring to lunch for Jamie.

Jamie made a quinoa loaf. From this recipe. Now, I had never thought of quinoa in loaf form! So glad Jamie stumbled upon the recipe. She cooked a test run over the weekend and then perfected the recipe to bring for lunch today. She subbed in spinach instead of the cilantro. Added some cheese and didn't use the nuts or peppers. She also added curry powder and chilli powder. It was sooooooo tasty. She said the first time she made it she cooked it for too long so she also reduced the cooking time by about 10 minutes. I'd imagine this is dependent on your oven though... just be aware it may be faster than you think! She added a dash of paprika on top too!

I went to yoga yesterday at 7am (pat on the back... had to set my freaking alarm for 5:45). I hated the class, but at least I went, right? I bought a Groupon for a 10-class card at the yoga studio that needs to be used before the 14th!! IS THIS POSSIBLE? Probably not considering I've only used two. But I've put a TON on my google calendar so hopefully I can get a handful of classes in. My boy is out of town for the next couple weeks so maybe I'll be toned with a yoga butt when he gets back (this fantasy is somewhere between improbable and impossible). Tomorrow I'm planning to go to one at 8am and then for a run with the roommate in the afternoon. There's another class on Sunday but it's level 2 and after the class yesterday I'm worried that I'm not quite advanced enough. Maybe I don't care. Usually teachers are good at giving varying degrees of difficulty.

So... 2/10! Let's see if I can GET IT DONE.

Also stay tuned for a post about surviving restaurant week!

My breakfast

For some reason I think my monochromatic breakfast is really funny. I may be overtired hence the two forms of caffeine.

Good Earth Tea (DELICIOUS)
Coffee
Quaker Weight Control Oatmeal.

Breakfast of champions!

Lunch Project: Week 7!/Busy Weekend

I'm terrible! I totally thought I wrote this post but I definitely didn't. Last week was an EXCITING week for the lunch project because I made my first dish on the slow cooker! It was lentil soup and it came out really well. I found a simple simple recipe. I didn't want to get too over ambitious with it. Though really... I could have. The soup came out really well and totally flavorful. Something about just letting them sit and stew there, I guess. I was really happy with the outcome. I have a 3 1/2 quart slow cooker and I probably could have halved the recipe. I'd say I ended up with 7-8 servings. I ate a lot of lentil soup and brought it for Jamie and myself for lunch TWICE.

It also called for a whole chopped onion. I feel like I've mentioned my onion catch-22 before. Here's the deal. I love onions. Pretty much however you want to prepare it, I like me some onions. However. I cannot cut them. Period. I cry. I run away. It's a 30 minute endeavor and it comes out a shoddy mess. The lovely and talented Anika gave me ONION goggles for my birthday. You look like a goon, but they actually work incredibly well. In fact, my eyes only started bothering me AFTER the onion was chopped and I took off the glasses. Which is both funny and miraculous as far as I'm concerned.

So I got that onion chopped!

I found cooking in my crock pot to be both incredibly satisfying and incredibly anticlimactic. I guess I'm used to very hands on cooking and the thought of all that prep and then.... hours... was something new. I chopped things, threw it in the pot, went to bed. Whaaaaat? No stirring?

With all the extra time I had NOT cooking. I took pictures of my slow cooker.

Slow cooker action shot!!

The next morning I just stirred in some kale and balsamic vinager and packed it for lunch. Jamie and I both really really enjoyed it even with the simplicity of all the ingredients. Honestly it tasted like it had more spices/flavor than you would guess considering the recipe. I thank slow cooker goodness for that.

I had extra kale from my slow cooker recipe and decided to make some kale chips. They are delicious and pretty low cal. Combine the kale with a teensy bit of olive oil, balsamic vinager, salt pepper and whatever other seasonings you'd like (I added chilli pepper). Spread on a baking sheet and bake at 300 degrees for about 20-25 minutes until the chips are green and crispy (but not burnt!).

Yummmmmmmy snack. I always have good intentions of making a batch and saving some. But it never (read: NEVER) works out like that.

Jamie made a really delicious southern comfort food. Black eyed peas! I'm going to try and recreate the recipe as far as I understood it.

Ingredients:
Olive Oil
2 cans black eyed peas - do not drain
A couple cloves of garlic
5 slices of turkey bacon
Bunch of kale - chopped and rinsed
Oregano
Paprika

Saute the garlic, put aside. Slice the turkey bacon into bite sized pieces and cook in the same skillet that you cooked the garlic. Towards the end of cooking add the kale and let the flavors combine and the kale to cook down a little. Put the beans in a pot and add oregano and paprika to taste. Add the garlic, kale and turkey bacon and cook until heated through.

Really pretty simple and SUPER delicious. Jamie brought apple sauce for dessert.

This weekend I kept up my exercise kick and went to a yoga class that KILLED ME. It was an open level class (which means all levels -- but it's pretty much catered to higher level yogis, and then if you're not up to it ... you don't do it). And I am SO PROUD OF MYSELF because I did my first handstand! Well my first ASSISTED handstand, but still. I really truly didn't think it was going to happen, but I figured I'd try anyway. Throughout the class the teacher spent a lot of time talking about the wholeness and completeness that is you. Somehow that was very inspiring for me. I also had a really nice woman assisting me in the pose. I didn't have my back quite soft enough when I first tried to do it, and she was able to point that out to me. I didn't quite come out of the pose well (aka I crashed and burned) but I was GLOWING. It was such a nice feeling and I felt strong and accomplished. The teacher came up to me after and said, "You totally didn't think you were going to do that did you? A crash landing isn't ideal, but it's a start!"

My roommate and I also went for a run on Saturday morning. And by run I mean a 10 minute relaxed (for her) jog. We probably spent about half an hour outside walking though.

Unfortunately I'm going to have to skip my yoga class I usually go to tomorrow, but I'm hoping to actually get my butt out of bed and go to the 7am one on Thursday. Fingers crossed, yes? I bought a 10-class groupon card and so I have 9 classes to use before the 14th. Yoga master by Valentine's Day anyone?

I went out with my boy and my roommates on Saturday as well and I really liked my outfit so I took a classy classy mirror shot of myself. I'm two pounds away from 70 down. I'd love to hit that in the next week or two though this week seems like it may be a little complicated eating-wise. A LOT of going out.

I told you it was classy!

Exercise Update

Well, I've made a solid attempt at exercising! Last week I went to yoga twice. Once, I mentioned here and the other was with my brother's girlfriend. She took me to Yoga to the People which is a free yoga studio. We went to the location on St. Mark's but I believe there are others (including one in Seattle or something). Everything they do is donation based and so the classes are jammed packed. We got there early and had a really great time. They whip you through poses, but it all felt really good in my body.

I really think the reason I prefer yoga to any other exercise is the mind/body aspect of it. Just the conciousness of your breath and your movements in yoga is unlike any other exercise I've done. Obviously in every exercise class or workout video or whatever they tell you to breathe, but yoga really flows. Breathing is as much a part of your practice as anything else.

This morning I went back to the class at my gym. Not a great class but really convenient (it gets out 15 minutes before I am supposed to be at work, giving me enough time to run to Starbucks, run to the office, change and start my day). I bought a groupon for a yoga studio by work and it's 10 classes and expires on Feb 14!! Need to get my butt to those classes, but I tend to book my after-work activities and their morning class is at 7am... which is early. (Though I think this may be a situation of suckitupandgoanna.) I think I need to find classes, put them on my Google Calendar (I do everything my GCal says I should!) and have that be the end of it.

Still though, I got on my scale (in the evening ... to be fair) and was WAY up. I whipped out a little food journal I stopped using in October. Christine says that I get lazy at night and just don't count the calories that I eat at that point, so I'm hoping something like this will make me more accountable. I don't really know how that happened, but clearly I need a little bit of a reality check. Complacency, I guess, is not enough. It was a little distressing especially after how hard the last 5 pounds were to lose. To see them back plus some was not ideal. I didn't let Christine weigh me last week for a variety of reasons, but I don't think I get two get-out-of-jail-passes in a row.

Hopefully if I can keep my eating in check this week and continue to exercise, I can get them off (again).

She suggested I cap my alcohol at two drinks a week. We'll see. I'll make the switch (again) to wines and light beers. Sigh. And compensate for alcohol by not drinking. This may be questionable but if you don't eat, you get drunk faster and therefore don't drink as many calories. So if getting inebriated is the goal...

She suggested I seriously consider night eating and cap it at 150 calories. Fine. My favorite evening snack right now is a chocolate VitaMuffin with 2 tablespoons of PB2 and some fat free whipped cream. Sinfully delightful for 150 calories!

PB2 is powdered peanut butter! They take out all the oil and fat and what's left is powder. You add water and it's sort of like peanut butter. It's not quite the same, obviously. And some argue that the healthiest part of the peanut butter is the oil. However, on a low fat diet, it's kind of a detriment. So... it's a solution to my peanut butter problem. And at 45 calories for two tablespoons, it's pretty kick ass low cal alternative. I even made ants on a log today! It was super good. Brought me back to the good old days.

Also I just joined this site called fitocracy.com! (If anyone wants an invite, let me know!) It basically tracks your work outs and gives you points for going to the gym. Variable points depending on what you do. You can level up and everything. They also have forums/groups/whatever and people tend to give a lot of support. Let me know if you join. We should support each other there!

Lunch Project: Week 6

So I stumbled across this recipe when looking for neato lunch ideas for Jamie. I paused, not because it didn't look delicious, but because of the large amount of fat in this dish. The recipe as is is totally Atkins/South Beach/Lo Carb whatever friendly, however I'm on a low fat, moderate carb diet. I've been thinking more and more about whether or not that MATTERS, but as it is, it has worked. Pesto is one of my guilty pleasures. It's not quite at the level of peanut butter (which could be deemed an obsession), but it's still up there.

I could get around a lot of the oil in the recipe. Pam is great like that. Just use a little for the roasted tomatoes and a little to fry up the shallots and garlic. And the more I stared at the recipe the more I just justified how 1/3 cup of pesto was not going to KILL my diet. If I got six servings out of it it would only be 1/18th of a cup per serving I actually told a friend. So, having fully justified my oil choices, I headed to the supermarket.
There was no pesto! Haha! A sign from the Gods! I was still determined to make the recipe, but to modify it. I feel like it changed enough for me to repost what I did here.

a couple splashes of extra-virgin olive oil - divided
a pinch of fine grain sea salt
1 shallot, minced
2 cloves garlic, minced
1 1/2 cups red quinoa
3 cups water
1 cup corn, fresh or frozen
1 bag kale, spinach or other hearty green (or as much as your preference is!)
1 block extra-firm tofu
Cornstarch
Paprika (optional)
1/3 cup Romano cheese (plus more for serving)
1/4 cup pumpkin seeds, toasted*
Sprinkle of soy sauce (optional)
1 carton cherry tomatoes
Spoonful of brown sugar

The whole thing took me about 45 minutes to whip up! I started with roasting the tomatoes. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Cut the cherry tomatoes in half. Mix together the sugar and just enough olive oil to coat the tomatoes. Toss the cherries in the mixture and arrange on some parchment paper on a baking tray - cut sides up. Sprinkle with sea salt. Bake for 45 minutes or until they look shrunk and sweet.

I then boiled the water, added the quinoa and cooked it until the water was absorbed - about 15 minutes.

While that cooked, I drained and cut the tofu into bite sized pieces and then tossed it in just enough cornstarch to cover it. I fried it in Pam until it started getting crispy and brown (or however cooked you like your tofu!). I cooked it on two sides for about 5 minutes each side. Cooking time will vary depending on how drained your tofu was. I then sprinkled a little paprika on top. Totally optional but delicious and let the cooked tofu sit on a paper towel.

Then, in a large skillet heat a little bit of olive oil and salt over medium-high heat. Stir in the shallot and garlic and cook for a minute or two. Stir in the spinach until it's more or less reduced and then add corn and cook until heated through.

Stir in the quinoa and corn and cook until hot and sizzling and then the tofu, cooking until tofu is heated through. Remove the skillet from heat and stir in the cheese and pumpkin seeds. Mix well. Turn everything out onto a platter and top with the cherry tomatoes and a sprinkle of Romano cheese.

Serves 4 - 6.

*I put some pumpkin seeds in my toaster oven and cooked them for a short while in some soy sauce. The pumpkin seeds puff a teeny bit and absorb the soy sauce. If you're not into that, just toasting them would be sufficient, I'm sure!

Today, Jamie adapted this recipe pretty severely. I tried to get her to type up her own recipe but she said she followed that recipe except with no tomatoes. To quote: "Basically we're having soup of chickpeas, mushrooms, kale, basil, carrots, onions, and garlic." The mushrooms gave it a real earthy feel.

Complacency

So yes. Sorry this is turning more into a food blog than a weight loss blog. I guess I feel like my weight isn't super interesting right now. As of last week, I'm up about 1.5 from my lowest weight because I basically took a vacation from dieting last week. This is not to suggest, by any means, that I "fell off the wagon." I just indulged myself a little more than I usually do. Christine says that she's impressed by how "natural" of an eater I am. And I've been working on that. Eating good wholesome food is appealing to me and by going on a "vacation" I'm not giving that up! Just ... not being obsessive. This is what I'd imagine maintaining to be. Or I guess my ideal of what maintaining is. A small handful of chocolate chips here and there. Some peanut butter. Glass (or two) of wine. These are my indulgences.

Though. Let's be real. I'm not ready to maintain yet. I'm close. But not there yet.

I find it easy to be complacent when I'm happy and when I'm busy. And I'm both of those things right now. I feel like my life is coming together in a good way. I'm feeling optimistic. I'm working on a show outside of my job, which is a relief. I'm dating a boy who I anticipate I will be dating for a while. I have a job at the company I want to stay at. So I'm settled. This HUGE year of change for me is winding down into something I'm happy with.

Yet none of these things is COMPLETE yet. Including my weight loss journey. So how do I get drive to get through this last bought? Christine asked me if I even wanted to. Or if this was where I felt good. I think she'd be okay with me sitting at this weight.

I think I will (once again) try and incorporate exercise. I got up early this morning to go to a yoga class. It's right by work, gets out 15 minutes before work, and was only an hour (so I wasn't getting up at CRACK OF DAWN). I carefully planned and packed my lunch (today is an exchange day -- stay tuned), I had my change of clothes all ready and my workout clothes laid out. And I went! I actually did it. Was 10 minutes early and it felt really nice to be in my body and move it. I am very sedentary these days.

However, because it was at my gym and not a yoga studio, the walls were lined with mirrors. And I couldn't help comparing my body to everyone's around me. This is a habit I anticipate I'll have a hard time breaking. And I still felt bigger. It was sad and disappointing. I guess you have to contextualize who is at a 7:45am yoga class, but still. I felt insecure and disproportioned. And after a LONG time of not feeling that and after a LOT of self-acceptance work. I feel like I took a back step.

But maybe this is a fuel to keep me going? Though I've always known (and I think what separates THIS journey from my THOUSANDS of other weight loss trials) is that change for me cannot (and must not) come from a place of negativity. Also I'm loathe to try and motivate myself for superficial reasons, but the fact is I think I'm pretty healthy right now. I'm sure if you ran all my blood tests and whatever, I'd maybe be a little low on muscle, but a healthy, average 20-something.

So. Lose the negativity? Use the negativity? Break the complacency? Enjoy the complacency? I don't really have it figured out right now. And maybe that's okay. I think I'll just stick to my one goal of exercise. And to try and not do exercises that make me ravenous (a problem in the past). But exercise, enjoy my body. The rest will fall into place!