The Scale

I know everyone has a totally different relationship to their scales. My mother, for instance, gets on the scale every day at least twice. Beginning of the day and end of the day. She will bemoan every single ounce gained and celebrate every ounce lost. In fact, in the apartment I grew up in, the scale is directly in front of the bathroom sink. Totally unavoidable. You practically have to step on it to wash your hands. My father, on the other hand, only steps on it when my mother tells him to.

When I'm at my parent's apartment, the temptation to step on the scale is too great. My days revolve around running to their bathroom to see how much I've gained or lost. That's an exaggeration, but it's not uncommon that I would weigh myself 4-5 times a day.

At my old apartment, we didn't have a scale. I was okay with ignoring my weight for the most part and then just checking in once in a while at a doctor's appointment or at my parent's apartment. When I started losing weight, I would weigh in once a week with Christine. And for months and months and months I could count on the facts that I was 1) sticking with the diet and 2) going to lose weight. Once I hit 60lbs down, losing weight became far more difficult and unreliable.

I was supposed to see Christine last week, but due to the hurricane, she couldn't get into the city from Vermont and this week she took off because of Labor Day. After two weeks of not weighing myself and not OVERDOING it, but not completely sticking to my diet to a T... I was going crazy. Every part of my body seemed to be getting bigger and I started panicking that I was eating my way back into unhealthiness. Every choice I was making to drink a beer or to have a bite of chocolate was stressing me out. Again, I didn't think I was making outrageous choices, but this simple fact of not knowing what I weighed was freaking me out.

Despite the fact that this kind of thinking is probably not vaguely healthy, I knew what I had to do. I wandered down to my parents apartment. Took off my jeans. Stepped on the scale.

And, of course, I weighed about what I've been weighing if not a little less. But the fact that I went 40 blocks out of my way just to know that made me question how far I am on my journey. I also wonder if I should buy a scale or if that would make me even more weird/obsessive. I can usually count on Christine weighing me once a week and going on my third week of no Christine is not a situation I usually deal with. But Christine will not always be there. And is supposed to be a tool, not a crutch.

However, I did manage to be on my own and not put on any weight. That's a success right? Should I be celebrating this?

On a different note, I'm making this DELICIOUS chicken chili recipe for dinner tonight for some roommate bonding. I highly recommend. It's also a really good weekend dish to cook up and then package away for work lunches. Seriously, it's so good. Eat it.

Also I know I owe you all a 60lbs down picture. It's coming soon! Do not fear. 

Baking Galore!

I don't know why, but all I want is cookies. Seriously. I thought at first the craving was just to bake, so I made a batch of them for my office (only actually consumed one during that process). But somehow that didn't quite do the trick. I then decided that if I was going to make these cookies, they better at least try and vaguely resemble something not totally fattening. And I found the most delicious recipe.

I guess I hesitate to share it with you because I'm not sure that they're actually HEALTHY so much as healthIER. But I guess this is a better option if you (like me) are seriously craving cookies.

Here is the recipe from BakingBites.
We did face Hurricane Irene! I wanted cookies! Also, I hoarded up on bananas because that seemed like a solid option if we were facing the most horrible hurricane (as Irene was promised to be). However this week, I found that I had three unappealingly browning bananas sitting on my shelf. I decided to hop on that and bake some banana bread. I found another low fat recipe. Or, again, lowER fat. And it was totally delicious. All in I probably only had one slice. I brought about half the loaf in to work and my roommates finished the rest. It was a really fun project though.

Here is the recipe from Laura Rebecca's Kitchen. It's a really really simple recipe and is not jazzed up with nuts or chocolate, but the result is moist and delicious.

I don't have a working scale at home. Christine is was hurricaned out and then on vacation this week, and I'm a little nervous for the result. I've been concious of the food I'm making but (maybe clearly?) am not making the best decisions. I've been packing lunch, but I've also been drinking far more than usual. I don't know if this is what goes along with a new job...
The worst is my coworkers and I all made plans to go out for drinks at 8pm this week. I was really grateful that they all extended their welcome to me and was SO excited to go out. I knew I'd be drinking so planned my day accordingly. I rushed home and made myself a DELICIOUS goat cheese omlette with an English muffin. However, I get to the restaurant/bar and I realize they're ALL ordering dinner. I tense up and don't want to seem like the weirdo new girl. Going through the menu I admitted I'd never had fried green tomatos and the girls all INSISTED I  try them (and thereby getting the fried green tomato flatbread). Which was probably more like an individual pesto pizza with fried green tomatos on top. Nowhere close to the diet I'm supposed to be on.

And I eat the whole thing. I wanted to go out with my coworkers and have a good time and not make it about me and my weight! But I need to do that, right? Right?? I think so.

I'm getting complacent with my weight. I'm officially 60 pounds thinner than when I started this journey (or at least was the last time I saw Christine). At work, a whole bunch of the security guards have little crushes on me and are constantly going out of their way to help me. I'm not going to jynx myself but I went on two dates with a very nice boy who is cute and normal and attractive. And I kind of don't feel like obsessing over my weight anymore.

However. I'm 20lbs away from my original goal. I'm starting to think more and more that maybe 10lbs and I'll be happy. I already think I look really good. People don't recognize me who haven't seen me in a while (which is unsatisfyingly flattering). I need to find the will within myself to push through. I think it's hard not seeing Christine for so many weeks. Also having no concept of my weight is both a little relieving and nerve wracking all at the same time. I should probably check it out and see if I'm actually vaguely following my diet or if I've strayed as much as I fear.

Employed!

So it's been a while since I blogged but I have wonderful news! I am gainfully employed. At one of my most favorite theater companies no less. I'm starting at the bottom of the totem pole, but hey, you have to start somewhere, right? The hours are 9-5 and I'm feeling optimistic about settling into a good routine. My hours are very stable and I get an hour for lunch! Though I haven't quite settled on which lunch places I will frequent yet. Do you guys know 'wichcraft? It's a sandwich shop that is a chain and very near my workplace. I ordered food into my office and the online ordering system didn't show calories or ANYTHING. It was only until after I got my food that I thought to check the website for nutrition info.

I get to the website, and despite my best intentions I had ordered one of the HIGHEST CALORIC ITEMS ON THE MENU. I was shocked. A goat cheese sandwich that was 820 calories!? Really? Really?? Apparently so. So what did I do? Say "screw it!" and eat the whole thing?

NO! I ate half, put the other in my bag, fully intending to throw it away later. But I saw my brother late that night and he was STARVING and I remembered my half-sandwich.

Everybody wins! I have to change my normal time with Christine to the evenings because my new job starts at 9am (unlike my last job which started at 11am...). And as motivated as I like to think I am, there is no freaking chance I'm getting to her by 7:30am. Evening weigh-ins seem a little ambitious, but no other choice at this point. Unless my habits totally change and I'm up at 6... ain't gonna happen.

Here's to week two of being employed and finding good lunch options!

Cheers!

Aloha!

I'm on vacation with my family right now. And yes, my family likes eating (though are not on the most part heavy people). However, being on vacation with my mother is good because she likes to keep very active and I get dragged along. Jogging and snorkeling have been daily activities. I'm surprising myself with my running. I can probably run 15 minutes straight. Yesterday we probably ran 15 minutes and then took a 10 minute break and then ran for another 15 minutes. I know all you 5k-ers out there are probably unimpressed but running 1-2 miles is a BIG deal for me. So... good progress despite falling off the C to 5k bandwagon.

Jen at priorfatgirl.com has a weekly post of her followers sweaty pictures and I thought for kicks, I'd send you mine:

Thumbs up for running!

I'm also sending my daily food eatings to Christine. She's not replying but even the act of just sending them along at least makes me more conscious of what I'm eating. Not difficult to eat well in Hawaii though... fish everywhere. Though who knows what it's cooked with... I know I'm eating bigger dinners than usual but I'm also exercising and eating much smaller lunches. So hopefully it's balancing out!

Quickie

Today was not as good food wise. Did alright until I started drinking. As it tends to go, right?

Breakfast: Bar
Lunch: Goat cheese and beet salad with low fat vinaigrette on the side.
Snacks: Two tomatoes with salt/pepper
Dinner (part 1): 1/3 of a Whole Foods salad shaker
Dinner break: Glass of white wine
Dinner (part 2): 1 fish taco, 1/2 Mediterranean platter (hummus, baba ganoush, tabouleh with 1 piece of pita), 1/3 liter of beer.

I'm feeling stuffed though. And over extended. I don't know if I'll be able to post much because I'm going out of town on a vacation from my funemployment but I will try!

Bad Brain!

For the most part, I can take or leave Chinese food. Actually make that American Chinese Food (I grew up in Hong Kong -- I feel like I'm allowed to say that). With two notable exceptions: cold sesame noodles and veggie dumplings. Ollies was on my parents' block when I was growing up and so many times I would sneak out, or stop by and order veggie dumplings and cold sesame noodles. I loved it. I'd sit in a corner by myself and happily scarf it down. Yesterday, after an epic interview, I walked by yet another Ollies. My blood sugar was low, I was a little cranky and I saw Ollies. It was like my vision zoomed in on it. And I thought to myself, "I could go get some cold sesame noodles and veggie dumplings and no one would know!"

No one would know? What? What does people knowing have anything to do with it? Sure I could blog that all I ate was kale and apples, I could cry on Christine's couch and tell her I don't know what I'm doing wrong. But I'd know. In high school, my mother was incredibly unhappy she had an overweight daughter and did everything in her power to try and keep me away from fattening foods. However, as a kid in high school, I had a lot of autonomy, and so would sneak food. Go out with friends and eat whatever I wanted. And just stick it to my mom.

And I think that's part of it. If no one sees me eating the calories, it doesn't count? And also, if I want food, I'll have it. Regardless.

Bad thinking, bad brain. If I consume more calories, I will gain weight, no matter what the food is and no matter who sees me eating it!

I'm doing this for me. It's not about sticking it to mom anymore. It's not about eating whatever I want. It's about being the most healthy and beautiful I can be.

Yesterday I ate:
Breakfast: Pretzel Bar (YUM!)
Lunch: Rice-less veggie tofu sushi
Snack: Tomato with salt/pepper
Dinner: Chicken Stirfry with a small scoop of white rice
Dessert: McDonald's 150 calorie ice cream cone

Picking myself up

Christine is probably the most important part of my weight loss journey. I have to see her every week, she really truly cares about me (I believe that to my core), and she keeps me honest.

I got on the scale before I went to see her yesterday and it was up even more from my small gain the previous week. And I storm into her office and tell her I won't get on the scale this week. She doesn't protest in the slightest. I've had a very stressful week included HUGE employment disappointments and I moved apartments. I did not have control of my eating at all. I didn't have control of my drinking either. And ALL I wanted to do this week was eat and drink. It was a tear-filled session on my part, and she let me stay in with her for about an hour (usually I'm there for 30-45 mins).

Christine said to put things in perspective and a little bit of weight gain is normal. She said after you've lost as much weight as I have, some people start feeling like they're "done" and don't need to diet anymore because now they're thin. She said I have at least another 10lbs to go as far as she's concerned and we could try for 20 if I wanted. And even her saying that made me feel so much better. I'm not alone in this journey. I have Christine who is such a huge support for me. And I have you all who I feel I can be honest with.

She also said it's incredibly difficult to diet when you don't have a routine and when you don't have a lot of money (both very true for me right now). She said she was surprised I'd been doing so well since I lost my job in June, I've lost about 7lbs. I told her that I feel like I've forgotten how to diet and I'm just falling into old habits that I thought were gone but are actually just in remission. She said I need to impose a routine and just plan out meals and stick to it. We went over the calorie guidelines again (even though they are ingrained in my brain ... just not my actions).

So I went to Whole Foods and bought some of their ready-made lunches and a whole ton of breakfast bars INCLUDING my new favorite one ever: NuGo Dark Chocolate Pretzel. Seriously these things are so good. Especially if you are into salty/sweet things (as I really truly am).

And Christine said if I want I can email her what I'm eating (I'm going out of town next week and so won't be able to see her then) just to have someone to report to. And maybe I'll do that. Or maybe I'll post it here if it's not too boring.

Yesterday I had
Breakfast: Zone Bar
Snack: Tomato with salt/pepper
Lunch: Chicken with rice and beans (1 portion shared with my aunt)
Snack: Pop chips
Dinner: 1/2 order of mussels (with one piece of bread in the sauce) and 1/2 order of a Portobello Mushroom burger with goat cheese
Drinks (this is where I got a little off): 1 1/2 glass of red wine, 1 small glass champagne, 1 Sam Adams Summer beer

We had roommate bonding yesterday since we were all finally at the apartment and so we had a glass of wine to celebrate at first, then all got dinner (with drinks) and then came back to the apartment and had a champagne toast courtesy of one of my roommate's mothers. Special occasion drinking and I will work to not make it a habit.

Roomies!

I also have a pair of old pants that I kept and I put them on yesterday to help me keep perspective and look/feel how far I've come. Which is a really long way. I need to remember that, appreciate that, and just keep going.

Struggling

I see myself falling into old bad eating habits. This is being reflected on the scale. Obviously.

A pattern I'm seeing: when I have unlimited food around me is when I struggle the most. I have always had issues with listening to hunger/fullness cues. Wednesday night we went out for my aunt's birthday to this Asian/Japanese restaurant and my uncle just ordered a TON of food that we were all meant to share. Except I just wanted to eat it all. And so I did. Towards the end I managed to get myself to back off a bit, but it was a fight.

And EVERYONE was going on and on about how thin I looked and how great I looked. And I wanted to say STOP IT. I'm having a hard time... don't enforce the positive because I think that kind of thinking is what got me lazy in the first place.

I know I mention from time to time about how I follow priorfatgirl.com. Elle, one of the bloggers over there, is stuck at around the same weight I am. I wonder if this is a universally tough weight to get below, and once you break the plateau, you're home free? Probably not. It's probably a fight like this all the way down.

Except, it's not a mystery as to why I'm not losing weight! I don't know if it's fair to sit here and scream PLATEAU PLATEAU, because I'M OVEREATING! That's the simple fact of it. I'm eating more than I should be.

I'm moving to a 4th floor walk up this weekend. If that's not exercise, I don't know what is. I went to the gym (very very briefly) yesterday. Hopefully I can force myself into good habits until it starts feeling easy again.

Cliches Can Help?

There are so many cliches about losing weight.

• Pain is weakness leaving the body
• No pain, no gain
• Success is a journey not a destination
• Failing to plan is planning to fail
• If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again
• Weight loss is a marathon, not a sprint

Now, my former self would roll my eyes at all of these (and there are a MILLION more). I would mindlessly search through weight loss websites knowing I was (at least) a solid 80lbs overweight, but not ready or at least willing to do anything about it. I would hate on the about.com people who didn't know (as far as I was concerned) ANYTHING about what I was going through. I did not have a wish to be fat. I just WAS fat. And that's who I was. A fat girl. I'm (by BMI guidelines anyway) 15lbs into the "overweight" zone right now, and sitting at my computer a year ago, staring at how far deep into the red zone I was, was majorly discouraging (at best).

People on The Biggest Loser (I know the show is problematic but go with me) always start out saying "I don't know how I let it get this far". But maybe it makes total sense. When you're sitting there, with over 100lbs to lose, it feels so impossible. So improbable. Let alone people who have 200 or 300lbs to lose. Can you imagine? And even when you lose 150lbs, you are still far from your goal. And that's after losing one-person.

Now here I am. 60lbs into my journey. People ask me if I feel like I've totally changed my eating habits. And, honestly, I don't think it would be too hard for me to slip into old habits. Last weekend I went to one of my best friend's pool parties (this is an event I'd look forward to every year... both for the company and for the food). My friend comes from a big Italian family who (like my big Jewish family) believes in stuffing your face with food at all times. There were probably eight guests there and I could not stop eating. I could absolutely not stop. I started at noon and probably didn't finish until 9pm ... with cake. And I was sitting there, clearly bingeing, and I knew it. But I couldn't stop it. I had voices in my head saying, "Anna, cool it. There is plenty of food. You know what this tastes like. Anna, you're full. Anna, you're STUFFED. ANNA WHY ARE YOU STILL EATING?" But I simply did not listen. I came home feeling sick, totally engorged, and terrible. Christine asked me if maybe these are people I just can't see in that situation any more?

When I started losing weight, I cut out socializing. It was incredibly hard for me because I am a very social person, I like going out, I like eating out, I like being surrounded by people. But I had set myself up as the "fun eating friend." Anytime anyone wanted a fatty meal, or to go out drinking, or whatever, I'd be included in the fun. And I used to pity myself and whine about how all my THIN friends could eat WHATEVER and I'm stuck here being 80lbs overweight. But no, that's not how it is at all. They go out once a week, once every two weeks. But since I was in that role for all my friends I'd constantly be the one going out.

Thin people overeat sometimes. It happens. They don't overeat all the freaking time.

So do I need to cut out the pool party friends? Or at least in that situation? No. I need to plan. I need to eat a good meal before I go over there and be diligent about what I'm putting in my body. I need to know that this is a hard situation for me and go in with full armor. I think I'm getting lazy in my weight loss when really now is the time to be the most diligent about it all. I look good. I look vaguely average. (I actually think I'm the total average weight/size for women in America.) So I'm like, look how far I've come! I can have cake!

No! I mean... yes, sometimes, sure, have some cake. But me being thinner is not an excuse to start gorging myself. How does this make sense in my head? I don't even know!

Which brings me to my cliches I started with. Especially the last one: weight loss is a marathon, not a sprint. I got on my parent's scale this week (which usually corresponds pretty well to Christine's). And I had gained solidly 3lbs from the last time I'd seen Christine. How does that happen? It'd been probably 4 days since I last saw her. And I had a meltdown. I really didn't think I'd been eating badly, but I'm not bloated or anything like that.

So time to re-evaluate. I need to get that fire under me to be anal about my weight loss again. Everyone told me that it gets harder when you get thinner. Obviously this makes sense in my head, but it's hard to actually be there. My weight loss until a month or so had been pretty steady. I could count on losing at least 1lb a week. Now, it feels like a total struggle. Part of it, I'm sure, is me being less focused and part of it is the difficult of losing weight this close to the goal.

I don't know the last time I weighed this amount. Probably somewhere around the beginning of high school, so at this point, this weight has been on me for a decade. I've also heard it's harder to lose weight that's been on you for a long time. Your body gets used to just having it there.

Anyway, this was very rambling and unfocused. So thank you for baring with me (if you have!). But any advice/motivation that you have for me would be really appreciated at this point. Help on how to stay focused, help for how to not freak out over three pounds, help on how to move forward, really any help.

On a cheerier note, I'm moving! Which will be wonderful AND it's a 4th floor walk-up... so I'm going to have pretty foxy legs pretty damn soon.

Down 3 more!

Well, even though I still don't think I have my footing quite right with my eating, I lost another 3lbs in the past two weeks. I'm almost down a total of 60 (total weightloss with Christine is 52, weightloss since the start is 58)! I don't even know what that means. I'm sure you're all tired of me complaining of not knowing how I look, but I really don't! It's still such a thrill when people sit on either side of me on the subway. It's sad sitting next to a woman and then feeling her squeeze away because she's afraid of blubbering over onto my seat. I want to tell them I'm the best person to blubber into... but I somehow don't think they'd appreciate that.

I must admit though. I didn't eat yesterday. I drank my life away Saturday night (and went through an insane number of shenanigans). And I woke up yesterday after 5 hours of sleep (I cannot for the life of me sleep in if I go to bed drunk... is anyone else like that?), DEAD TO THE WORLD. I could not move. The thought of food made me nauseous. Eventually I snacked on a chicken sausage and some pasta with Smart Balance, but it was a rough day. And THEN I was afraid I would have gained all the weight due to excessive eating so I wore my lightest dress possible. And, of course, ended up losing a bunch. It felt good to see weight loss though. I've been a little stagnant in the past month (a lot of big life changes getting me down).

I ran into my 1st boss I had in NY on the street the other day and she hardly recognized me. Though I do attribute my last gained 15lbs to being unhappy in her office, it was really validating for her to see how great I looked. A few weeks ago I was with a fellow alum of my college and we ran into a kid we were both the TA of. He completely recognized her but could NOT place me. She and I had the same relationship to that kid (I'm even Facebook friends with him!) and he had no idea who I was. I think it's that I've lost so much weight that I'm becoming difficult to place.

My thinner friends have started lending me clothes, or giving me hand-me-downs that maybe are a little big (or maybe not). And THAT'S unreal. Girls who I never ever thought I'd be sharing clothes with are now seeing me as their size. Let alone me actually BEING close to their size. I feel like I have another 10lbs to lose before I feel like I really look like them. But 10lbs! What's 10lbs? And being practically 20lbs away from my goal. I'm sure it will be a long, slow 20lbs (I mean ... these past 5 have been a long slow battle). But I'm still going in the right direction, and I feel confident I will continue to do so. It will be better when I get a job and can establish my eating patterns again.

My uncle started seeing Christine and in the past month has lost 15lbs according to him. She keeps joking that she's going to be left in my parent's will. I'm not sure she's wrong.