Once again -- not doing so well.
As I feel the scale creep up on me, I feel my anxiety spiking as well. I couldn't sleep last night and that's depressing.
I know I am capable of doing it. I just have to let myself.
Showing posts with label Sad. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sad. Show all posts
Friday, February 21, 2014
Friday, January 17, 2014
Uninspired
Last night it hit me. I will not get to my target weight in a week. I am not necessarily going to lose 3lbs in a week. I am trying to get myself out of the mild depression that accompanies the beginning of weight loss. I am trying to start enjoying a healthier lifestyle and not punish myself or my body.
I didn't know what to make for dinner last night and it was bumming me out. Everything I wanted was too high calorie. According to myfitnesspal I only had about 18 grams of carbs left for the day -- which is not many carbs. So no pasta. No rice. No anything. The fiancee was coming home late and I sat at my desk longer than I had to saying no to every recipe I came across. I decided I wanted chicken teriyaki. Not terribly inspired but easy. I was really cranky at this point.
One of my favorite bloggers over at PriorFatGirl also got back into the health routine and the blog routine. She talks about getting over the first week hump too here.
We had leftover cauliflower nibblets from the pizza so I decided to treat that like rice. We stir fried that with a little soy sauce and added a fried egg. I bought a bag of broccoli slaw and used leftover zucchini and mushrooms from the pizza.
I didn't know what to make for dinner last night and it was bumming me out. Everything I wanted was too high calorie. According to myfitnesspal I only had about 18 grams of carbs left for the day -- which is not many carbs. So no pasta. No rice. No anything. The fiancee was coming home late and I sat at my desk longer than I had to saying no to every recipe I came across. I decided I wanted chicken teriyaki. Not terribly inspired but easy. I was really cranky at this point.
One of my favorite bloggers over at PriorFatGirl also got back into the health routine and the blog routine. She talks about getting over the first week hump too here.
We had leftover cauliflower nibblets from the pizza so I decided to treat that like rice. We stir fried that with a little soy sauce and added a fried egg. I bought a bag of broccoli slaw and used leftover zucchini and mushrooms from the pizza.
And it was totally fine. The fiancee liked it better than the pizza. It was very veggie-ful. Not the most inspired but there's a little leftover.
Tonight is date night! We are going to a little pottery studio near my office called Mud Sweat and Tears. They have a Friday social pottery thing where you make a little trinket or something and hang out. I'm pretty excited about it. The fiancee is planning the dinner beforehand and I'm happy to let him pick something fun for us.
It will be nice to try and do more experience-related fun activities instead of food-related fun.
Monday, January 6, 2014
Let's do this.
I guess I've been embarrassed to post. It seems like it might be healthy for me to start writing down my feelings again though. I'm trying to recreate things I was successful with and I guess I count this blog as a success. Anything that keeps me focused and PROUD of weight loss (or even weight loss attempts).
I have gained about 20lbs from my absolute lowest weight (which means about 15 or so from my lowest maintained). A lot has happened in my life! My boyfriend moved in with me. My boyfriend became my fiancee. I traveled to Israel. I started planning a wedding.
The holidays are over. I'm sad about my weight but not motivated enough to do anything about it. The last week was bad. I saw Christine this morning and I think she struggles between trying to motivate me but not trying to bum me out. I think some clients respond to the like "THINK OF WHAT YOUR BUTT WILL LOOK LIKE IN A WEDDING DRESS" but that's not really my thing. The worse I feel about my weight the less likely I am to lose weight.
We talked today about how saying NO to things you want is painful. I find this true. I like being a fun eater. I like cupcakes, and cookies and sweets. I have a hard time saying no, but that brief moment of pain/disappointment will help a lot in the moving forward. So just say it. And it gets easier. And people start responding to it and, once again, you redefine your relationship with food and your friends and then it's a lot easier and you've creative a supportive environment.
I honestly even toyed with Weight Watchers again -- O the siren call of WW! But no -- I know Weight Watchers doesn't work for me. Instead I will go back to myfitnesspal and track my food. I am PAYING for a gym membership so maybe I should consider using it occasionally.
Christine gave me the project of writing down everything I ate and if NOT then at least writing down everything "bad" I ate this week. I will try and write it all down. I will chug tea and eat yogurt and eggs and be happy saying no. Because in the end that will make me happier about how I feel.
I think it's hard to get through the holidays. Christine says the average person gains 3-5lbs in the month of December alone. She feels that I could get down 8lbs quickly and then we'll work to get off the other 10 before the wedding. And then I will be really happy with all of that. Even if I lose 1lb a month I will be a lot closer to where I want to be.
So. Happy New Year. Here's to losing the 20lbs before my wedding. Here's to using my gym membership. And here's to blogging more and tracking more.
I have gained about 20lbs from my absolute lowest weight (which means about 15 or so from my lowest maintained). A lot has happened in my life! My boyfriend moved in with me. My boyfriend became my fiancee. I traveled to Israel. I started planning a wedding.
The holidays are over. I'm sad about my weight but not motivated enough to do anything about it. The last week was bad. I saw Christine this morning and I think she struggles between trying to motivate me but not trying to bum me out. I think some clients respond to the like "THINK OF WHAT YOUR BUTT WILL LOOK LIKE IN A WEDDING DRESS" but that's not really my thing. The worse I feel about my weight the less likely I am to lose weight.
We talked today about how saying NO to things you want is painful. I find this true. I like being a fun eater. I like cupcakes, and cookies and sweets. I have a hard time saying no, but that brief moment of pain/disappointment will help a lot in the moving forward. So just say it. And it gets easier. And people start responding to it and, once again, you redefine your relationship with food and your friends and then it's a lot easier and you've creative a supportive environment.
I honestly even toyed with Weight Watchers again -- O the siren call of WW! But no -- I know Weight Watchers doesn't work for me. Instead I will go back to myfitnesspal and track my food. I am PAYING for a gym membership so maybe I should consider using it occasionally.
Christine gave me the project of writing down everything I ate and if NOT then at least writing down everything "bad" I ate this week. I will try and write it all down. I will chug tea and eat yogurt and eggs and be happy saying no. Because in the end that will make me happier about how I feel.
I think it's hard to get through the holidays. Christine says the average person gains 3-5lbs in the month of December alone. She feels that I could get down 8lbs quickly and then we'll work to get off the other 10 before the wedding. And then I will be really happy with all of that. Even if I lose 1lb a month I will be a lot closer to where I want to be.
So. Happy New Year. Here's to losing the 20lbs before my wedding. Here's to using my gym membership. And here's to blogging more and tracking more.
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
10lbs up
Once again, I find myself struggling.
I went to Christine yesterday and she looked through her notes and in a year I gained 10lbs. Though, honestly, most of that weight was gained between December and now. Holiday weight I guess.
I just feel generally unfocused and prior to Christine I probably on average gained about 10lbs a year.
I eat when I'm bored.
I eat when I'm stressed.
I eat when I'm tired.
I eat to celebrate.
I feel like there's rarely a time when I have ideal conditions for losing weight. Not bored but not stressed. Happy but not tired. Happy but not TOO happy.
Right now, my apartment is being renovated so I'm kind of homeless. I'm in the midst of a job search. I guess things are unstable. But overall, I feel like I just don't want to diet.
Part of me thinks I should just try. And if I just try a little, things will work out eventually. I think I need to make a commitment to food journaling and sending it to Christine.
The issue there is when I mess up, I don't want to send it to her. But those are probably the days she most needs to see.
When I was 10lbs lighter I still wanted to lose weight and found it incredibly difficult at that point and maybe this is just discouragement. Why bother? I can't lose it anyway.
WW was a huge success and then a huge bust.
What to do, friends?
I went to Christine yesterday and she looked through her notes and in a year I gained 10lbs. Though, honestly, most of that weight was gained between December and now. Holiday weight I guess.
I just feel generally unfocused and prior to Christine I probably on average gained about 10lbs a year.
I eat when I'm bored.
I eat when I'm stressed.
I eat when I'm tired.
I eat to celebrate.
I feel like there's rarely a time when I have ideal conditions for losing weight. Not bored but not stressed. Happy but not tired. Happy but not TOO happy.
Right now, my apartment is being renovated so I'm kind of homeless. I'm in the midst of a job search. I guess things are unstable. But overall, I feel like I just don't want to diet.
Part of me thinks I should just try. And if I just try a little, things will work out eventually. I think I need to make a commitment to food journaling and sending it to Christine.
The issue there is when I mess up, I don't want to send it to her. But those are probably the days she most needs to see.
When I was 10lbs lighter I still wanted to lose weight and found it incredibly difficult at that point and maybe this is just discouragement. Why bother? I can't lose it anyway.
WW was a huge success and then a huge bust.
What to do, friends?
Friday, November 9, 2012
Off the Wagon
As of this morning I am up 6lbs from my lowest maintained weight. Considering how difficult it was to lose them it's a little appalling how easy it is to come back.
You know it's bad news when weight loss bloggers disappear.
I have a lot that I want to blame.
Stress
Sandy
Medications
Life
Birthday
Boredom
Job
Family
Etc
Etc
Etc
Not fair. The fact is. Once I got off... I wanted to stay off. I missed the foods I'd prided myself on staying away from. Fried foods (REALLY!?) back in the picture. Chocolate (excessively) back in the picture.
I've prided on myself on turning a healthy leaf and it is all too clear to me how easy it is to flip back.
I think Weight Watchers is not for me. I really can't put my finger on it, but I really really really think it allows too much freedom for me. The bottom line is I need to NOT eat certain foods except in EXTREME moderation. Once I'm "allowed" everything, I flip.
I'm not better yet. I'm not back on the wagon yet.
I did show up to work armed.
Armed with strawberries, a bar, a grapefruit, steamed veggies, and a frozen meal. Disappointed. Yes. Distressed. Yes. Scared that the light that turned off will STAY off. Yes.
What I'm trying to remind myself is when I started this whole shebang ... the light was off. There is a way to force the light on and I've done it before. HOW? I am not sure, but the fact is, I have done it.
Christine says it's hard to force people to get motivated.
What is my motivation?
Health is kind of intangible ... and honestly my health hasn't significantly improved with the tens of pounds lost.
I feel like at this point my weight and happiness are not super tied together. Why I am happy or unhappy is separate from my weight. I think.
Friends? I have friends! They don't judge?
Clothes? Material girl I'm not though I would find it distressing to stop fitting into my clothing.
Does anyone have advice? How do you force yourself away from the fat and onto the wagon?
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Sad Sad Sad
It's funny how fast things can change. I was riding a total high at the beginning of the week. I was happy, I was productive, I was jet-setting to DC, I was finally feeling motivated. Really truly motivated.
And then...
Basically details aren't super important but I was put in a category somewhere between limbo and rejected. By a boy (of course, right?). And I fell. I was in the shower trying to figure out how to craft this post. I've been engaging in a lot of Destiny's Child therapy and one of Beyonce's glorious lyrics is sticking out to me:
You know I'm not gonna diss you on the internet, cuz my momma taught me better than that.
Though I guess this is not dissing, but rather a processing of what I'm going through. In the shower I figured I'd walk you through my week. And I also think my food consumption over the past seven days or so has been interesting as well. So we'll include that.
Monday was the day with the weird planned binge that never happened. It was also the night I showed up to DC. In DC I didn't eat particularly horribly until my mom's big dinner where I just didn't hold back. I stocked up on appetizers and pretty much ate everything put in front of me (except I did leave half of the dessert). Wednesday was my big positive thinking day. I was exhausted due to the late DC train ride and so work was a little difficult but I was cheerful and planning on GETTING THINGS DONE. Thursday was a really good day. Work was fun and busy due to opening night that night. I got home, got all dolled up and looked pretty hot (if I don't say so myself!). I took the boy with me to opening night and we had a really swell time and got a drink together after and that's where shit went down.
I didn't get home until super late and I felt terrible. I could not sleep for the life of me. And I'm a sleeper. I VERY RARELY have trouble falling asleep and so when I CAN'T it all feels particularly traumatic. I can't sleep because I'm upset and then I get upset that I can't sleep so I continue to not sleep and the spiral continues. I got up raccoon-faced with mascara blotches on my pillow. I put my hair up in a ponytail and set off for work.
I work reception. I am the front desk. I am the "face of". And while usually I love small talking with my coworkers and catching up on the little gossips of the day, I could not have resented my job more. Of COURSE everyone was asking me who the boy was (totally unaware of the complete misery going on inside of me). I regretted bringing him for this alone. And on top of that, it was my uncle's birthday after work so I had to trudge over there and put on a happy face. Completely against what I was feeling. Since it was a coworker's birthday and my uncle's party I managed to consume two slices of DENSE chocolate cake that day. Also someone brought me a picnic lunch from one of the meetings they were having. I had already brought lunch for the day. So what did I do? Ate both.
Total disregard for myself, my hunger, my happiness.
By dinner I was more in control, maybe because of the food scarfing that happened earlier. Though I felt like people were REALLY pushing food on me (it was family-style eating) and I started to resent that too. I've lost 65lbs, you really want to shove food in my face? What's that statistic? Obese people who lose a significant amount of weight almost ALWAYS gain it back within 5 years? You want to put me on that path??
I got home early, fell into bed, woke up 11 hours later. Upset still. The unhappiness I was feeling managed to infiltrate my day. I managed to drop off laundry, got home, got into PJs and watched Breaking Bad. I couldn't even tell you how many episodes I watched, but it was not insignificant. My unhappiness started getting channeled at things. I looked at my living room; it was filthy. I walked into the kitchen; dishes piled high. I walked into the bathroom; hair freaking everywhere. Four girls in one apartment is a fun time usually, but I think standard of living has dropped a little. Between episodes of Breaking Bad I would tackle clean-up tasks. I managed to clean out the entire kitchen, living room and bathroom.
But I couldn't eat. Even now the thought of consuming food is upsetting to me and makes me feel sick. I know I talked about the emotional eating bell curve earlier, but here it is in full effect. As time goes on, I get more and more upset. Probably because I haven't heard from him. When he and I ended the conversation he said we should talk about it more and soon. I agreed. And yet nothing from him. The first day or so there's the promise of a quick turnaround "What was I thinking??" But as time goes on, it feels more and more like the decision has been made. And I'm not the choice. And this puts a pit in my stomach to the point where adding anything just sounds horrible.
It was depressing that this was Daylights Savings Time too... as opposed to one more hour of FUN TIMES it's one more hour of wallowing while watching Breaking Bad.
And I know, I know. Why want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you? You're young, you're now conventionally hotter than you were before. You get exponentially more attention from men than you ever have in your life. Go out. Get drunk. Kiss some boys. Have fun.
But I'm still pretty freaking said. I also almost resent all the new attention I get. I also am going to put this out there. I know a lot of you ladies who read this blog (not that there are a lot of people reading this blog but ...) who are on your own weight loss journeys have had a significant other with you the whole way through. I envy you that. I really do. I'm super jealous. I think it says a lot about you and a lot about your relationships. I'm sure it has a fair deal of complications that goes along with it, but to me the grass is greener on your side.
Sorry for the emoblog. Supposed to meet my brother for dinner tonight (bailed on him for lunch yesterday) so maybe that will help pull me out of my funk. Also here is a picture from when my friends surprised me at work on my birthday. I think I look cute and am super happy!
And then...
Basically details aren't super important but I was put in a category somewhere between limbo and rejected. By a boy (of course, right?). And I fell. I was in the shower trying to figure out how to craft this post. I've been engaging in a lot of Destiny's Child therapy and one of Beyonce's glorious lyrics is sticking out to me:
You know I'm not gonna diss you on the internet, cuz my momma taught me better than that.
Though I guess this is not dissing, but rather a processing of what I'm going through. In the shower I figured I'd walk you through my week. And I also think my food consumption over the past seven days or so has been interesting as well. So we'll include that.
Monday was the day with the weird planned binge that never happened. It was also the night I showed up to DC. In DC I didn't eat particularly horribly until my mom's big dinner where I just didn't hold back. I stocked up on appetizers and pretty much ate everything put in front of me (except I did leave half of the dessert). Wednesday was my big positive thinking day. I was exhausted due to the late DC train ride and so work was a little difficult but I was cheerful and planning on GETTING THINGS DONE. Thursday was a really good day. Work was fun and busy due to opening night that night. I got home, got all dolled up and looked pretty hot (if I don't say so myself!). I took the boy with me to opening night and we had a really swell time and got a drink together after and that's where shit went down.
I didn't get home until super late and I felt terrible. I could not sleep for the life of me. And I'm a sleeper. I VERY RARELY have trouble falling asleep and so when I CAN'T it all feels particularly traumatic. I can't sleep because I'm upset and then I get upset that I can't sleep so I continue to not sleep and the spiral continues. I got up raccoon-faced with mascara blotches on my pillow. I put my hair up in a ponytail and set off for work.
I work reception. I am the front desk. I am the "face of". And while usually I love small talking with my coworkers and catching up on the little gossips of the day, I could not have resented my job more. Of COURSE everyone was asking me who the boy was (totally unaware of the complete misery going on inside of me). I regretted bringing him for this alone. And on top of that, it was my uncle's birthday after work so I had to trudge over there and put on a happy face. Completely against what I was feeling. Since it was a coworker's birthday and my uncle's party I managed to consume two slices of DENSE chocolate cake that day. Also someone brought me a picnic lunch from one of the meetings they were having. I had already brought lunch for the day. So what did I do? Ate both.
Total disregard for myself, my hunger, my happiness.
By dinner I was more in control, maybe because of the food scarfing that happened earlier. Though I felt like people were REALLY pushing food on me (it was family-style eating) and I started to resent that too. I've lost 65lbs, you really want to shove food in my face? What's that statistic? Obese people who lose a significant amount of weight almost ALWAYS gain it back within 5 years? You want to put me on that path??
I got home early, fell into bed, woke up 11 hours later. Upset still. The unhappiness I was feeling managed to infiltrate my day. I managed to drop off laundry, got home, got into PJs and watched Breaking Bad. I couldn't even tell you how many episodes I watched, but it was not insignificant. My unhappiness started getting channeled at things. I looked at my living room; it was filthy. I walked into the kitchen; dishes piled high. I walked into the bathroom; hair freaking everywhere. Four girls in one apartment is a fun time usually, but I think standard of living has dropped a little. Between episodes of Breaking Bad I would tackle clean-up tasks. I managed to clean out the entire kitchen, living room and bathroom.
But I couldn't eat. Even now the thought of consuming food is upsetting to me and makes me feel sick. I know I talked about the emotional eating bell curve earlier, but here it is in full effect. As time goes on, I get more and more upset. Probably because I haven't heard from him. When he and I ended the conversation he said we should talk about it more and soon. I agreed. And yet nothing from him. The first day or so there's the promise of a quick turnaround "What was I thinking??" But as time goes on, it feels more and more like the decision has been made. And I'm not the choice. And this puts a pit in my stomach to the point where adding anything just sounds horrible.
It was depressing that this was Daylights Savings Time too... as opposed to one more hour of FUN TIMES it's one more hour of wallowing while watching Breaking Bad.
And I know, I know. Why want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you? You're young, you're now conventionally hotter than you were before. You get exponentially more attention from men than you ever have in your life. Go out. Get drunk. Kiss some boys. Have fun.
But I'm still pretty freaking said. I also almost resent all the new attention I get. I also am going to put this out there. I know a lot of you ladies who read this blog (not that there are a lot of people reading this blog but ...) who are on your own weight loss journeys have had a significant other with you the whole way through. I envy you that. I really do. I'm super jealous. I think it says a lot about you and a lot about your relationships. I'm sure it has a fair deal of complications that goes along with it, but to me the grass is greener on your side.
Sorry for the emoblog. Supposed to meet my brother for dinner tonight (bailed on him for lunch yesterday) so maybe that will help pull me out of my funk. Also here is a picture from when my friends surprised me at work on my birthday. I think I look cute and am super happy!
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