Change

I know I haven't mentioned it in a while but I love priorfatgirl.com. I truly do. So much so that I bought the t-shirt. And water bottle.

Elle is one of their bloggers over there. She's lost about 50lbs is 27 years old and single. Today she posted this article and I thought it was important to share. She put into words something that I feel to my core but have trouble expressing. The difference of who I am versus who I was. Self acceptance? Seeing change as positive.

Maybe that last bit sounds weird considering this is a blog completely devoted to patting myself on the back for weight loss. But I frequently have feelings of resentment about my weightloss. I hate that my family takes great pride in it. I hate that some of my friendships with people I felt close to are forced to change. I hate that people want to date me more.

I don't know why I kept the weight on myself for as long as I did. I tried to do some soul searching at the beginning of the process to learn how my fat was helping me. For Elle, it served as a kind of shield. But I still don't totally understand what it was for me. I was a happy person. I didn't hate myself. And I wonder if it's part of the issue?

Some of my relationships are being forced to redefine when I didn't think my weight impacted them in the first place?

And not to mention boys. I got hit on before... but the attention I get now is way greater than any I ever got before. Though I still sort of feel like the "ugly friend" when I go out with my friends at night. And no, I can't go flirt with the super attractive guy because he'd NEVER be into ME. I will flirt with his not-as-cute friend. One of my friends even said to me outright, "You've lost so much weight you can date guys hotter than THAT now!"

I think it was meant to be encouraging but it really made me think. How has my "status" changed? How has my "date-ability" changed?

I almost wish I had been dating someone through this process. Someone who I felt loved and cared for me BEFORE I started all of this. I have a hard time trusting relationships right now. And I do think being more conventionally attractive has led to longer relationships. I think I don't have to be on 100% and have to make sure my sparkling personality shines through. If I have an off-night, it will likely be forgiven. I have more power in the situation.

And of course, I'm dating. I'm dating people who don't really know that I've lost weight. Though we're Facebook friends so if it were ME, they'd be obsessively stalked by now. But ... not everyone is me. I don't know how to/if I should come out as a prior fat girl. On one hand, I love being at a new(ish) job where people don't really know me as a "fat girl". I can relate to all the women in here trying to lose weight (my workplace has a small but mighty Weight Watchers contingent). But I can also go out with the girls and giggle about boys and I don't feel like the odd heavy girl on the sidelines of all the action. Because I am dating. Because people do flirt. Because I have changed. But on the otherhand I still don't understand the change. Like how people (especially from my "old" life) relate to me now vs before. My relationship to THEM has not changed exactly because THEY haven't changed. Does that make sense?

Gah I don't know. I have a lot of rambling and conflicting thoughts (clearly).